I have a sick fascination with wedding culture. I scroll through #weddingtok, analyze registries, and click around on personalized wedding websites (Side note: it’s shocking how many people don’t password protect these?). To be clear: This obsession doesn’t translate into my personal life. I never want to be a bridesmaid. I can’t fathom spending upwards of a thousand dollars to visit a “destination” like Scottsdale for a bachelorette party. I will, however, spend upwards of a thousand hours consuming content about it. So when last week I learned that the final charter of the season would feature a wedding officiated by none other than Captain Glenn, I was ready. After watching? I’m disappointed.
For the record, I did shed a single tear while Allegra and Gabe said their vows and proclaimed their love to each other, but during most of the set-up and ceremony, I was cringing.
The soccer pop-up tent? The crowded beach? The tacky fake flower aisle that Ashley claimed was her version of stepping up? Sweet Captain Glenn officiating in his Parsifal polo and bright green sunglasses? And the bride’s dress was gorgeous (shout out to Kleinfeld Bridal of Say Yes to the Dress fame) but completely inappropriate for the venue? Much too formal! Maybe I’m being too harsh. I have snobbish tendencies! But maybe I’m just pissed off that production didn’t simply buy a wedding cake and instead made Marcos bake one that was three tiers and gluten-free in the tiny galley kitchen. How dare they do this to Marcos when he’s grieving and struggling? Even Kelsie points out that baking a wedding cake seems a little over-the-top. In a confessional, Colin remarks he hasn’t seen Marcos like this throughout the entire season. He’s worried about Marcos, and so I am.
I’ll get back to Marcos in a minute — and what he said about moist cake — but first, I need to tie back my personal wedding tangent to this piece. Like any good recapper, I googled the bride and groom. What I discovered, dear readers, might shock you. Allegra and Gabe already got married! In Sedona, according to Instagram! The year before!
I know, I know. The pandemic has flopped the entire wedding industry on its head and couples are having Zoom weddings and micro weddings and then doing it big a year or two later. That’s all fine and dandy. But making Marcos bake this cake? When they’ve already had a wedding? Oy. Captain Glenn says weddings give him a rash, and I agree.
For your pleasure, this is Marcos on moistness: “Somehow I have to bake this gluten-free cake moist. So I’m going to treat this cake like a woman with a lot of love, a lot of passion, a lot of touching here, touching there.” Then, in Spanish, he says: “Little massage here and there,” before ending in English: “It’s going to make it really moist and perfect.” What do I think about this, readers? [REDACTED]
There’s not much else to say about the guests except that the group had an astrology-themed dinner and the groom refused to let go of the rope swing while hanging over the sea, so he smacked back into a large pillar on deck and had to be hoisted down. In a confessional, Captain Glenn cackles and admits it’s the first time he’s ever seen someone hang on instead of plunging into the water. It’s perfectly fine to be afraid of heights and simply not partake in the rope swing, but I think seeing my future husband dangling over the ocean before swinging back and crashing into a pole would give me a little bit of the ick?
Meanwhile, the love bug bites some crew members onboard. Daisy catches the bouquet, much to the pleasure of the charter guests, and Gary confesses he wants a girlfriend and kids. I’ll admit, he does a good job of moonlighting as an Instagram boyfriend while the charter guests are splashing around in the cave. He even says he wanted to fall in love this season! Unfortunately for him, Scarlett dodges one of his kisses, and the two have a petite lover’s quarrel the night before the final charter. In the background of their bickering, Kelsie once again flosses her teeth with her hair and Barnaby is still in love with Daisy.
Gary bitches to his boys (Colin and Marcos) about Scarlett, and the three of them have quite a tender moment in their cabin. Borderline erotic, even. They’re wrestling and giggling and I never want it to end! Earlier in the night, the group does a round of Hurricane shots, made famous by our Canadian friends last week. Gary spits his water back in Daisy’s face and the girls are slurping shit off Marco’s stomach. Marcos and Ashley even jump off the side of the boat with arm floaties. It’s all very sensual. While Captain Glenn is all curled up, he hears a cry for help: Gary ran out of toilet paper. Captain Glenn comes to the rescue and hands him a box of tissues. Then, back to bed with his headphones he goes.
The next day, Ashley chooses pettiness and tells Scarlett that Daisy and Gary are talking about hooking up (not true, they’re talking about their stances on marriage). Scarlett says she’ll never hook up with Gary and Ashley says the only reason she did is that she was wasted (objectively false, but sure). They laugh and Scarlett says she’s over it. You go, girl! We get a sneak peek of Gary hooking up with someone in the season finale, and even though production is playing it up like it’s Scarlett or Daisy, between us, I think that Smashley wants to make one last mistake.
