I’m not feeling it with the new girl Sam. Yes, she seems lovely enough, and I like that she said she doesn’t fist-pump a dude she wants to bone and that’s why Chris can’t get with her, but I don’t think she’s of this world. Sam seems a little too bubbly and ready for the party. If you want to be on Summer House, you can wear nothing but black and cute bikinis and then lie in your bed all day. If you’re Sam, you wear floral jumpers, all-pink ensembles with a matching tiny hot-pink purse (bonus points for it being JW Anderson), and jeans that are so full of holes resident dad-joker Kyle Cooke says he hopes she got them for half off. Hahaha.
But what really gets me is when she and Kyle are up late, annoying sleeping Carl and Lindsay, and doing Skip-Its out on the patio. She says to Kyle, “You really remind me of my dad.” Guillotine. Slam. Done. I’m sorry, Sam, but no matter how much he acts like a dad, we won’t say this out loud in public.
Kyle has plenty on his mind this episode, mostly about the drama between him and Carl and, by extension, him and Lindsay. There are a bunch of fights, really. There is Mya versus Lindsay. There is Carl versus Kyle. And there is new girl Gabby with Cancer men.
Let’s start with the last on that list, shall we? When the whole crew goes to the beach to celebrate July 4 by wearing stars-and-bars bikinis and drinking out of a plastic eagle made explicitly (in China) for chugging beers, Chris invites his hotter-than-McDonald’s-apple-pie-filling friend Jaeretz to meet them at the beach. Gabby says she has to play it cool and won’t talk to a dude she likes; she waits for him to come to her. Lindsay, being the opposite of a play-it-cool girl, orchestrates Jaeretz to chat with Gabby and then, like a dutiful friend, steps out so they can have some alone time.
The problem is when Gabby asks when his birthday is, and he says July 14. “Cancer!” she yells like she just got a huge outpouring of bile right into the back of her throat. “Cancer men are historically dishonest,” she says like she’s J.Lo kicking all the Virgos out of an audition. “They’re not good people. Cancer men are sociopaths.” As someone who also flirts by teasing someone, I see Gabby in this moment. But she’s not doing, “Oh, cancers are bad, but you may be a good one.” She’s not leaving any room for flirting here. She tells this man all about her ex, who cheated on her for three years, but maybe he did that cause he’s an asshole, and maybe not because he was a Cancer?
When he says she doesn’t seem to want to be proven wrong about Cancer men, she says, “I don’t need to be proven wrong. I already know that I’m right. It was nice talking to you, though.” Wait. So Gabby shot down this superhot guy and won’t even entertain talking to him because he’s a Cancer? I mean, this is crazy. Can’t you give this guy one date? You can’t let him prove that, you know, one-twelfth of all the men in existence aren’t lying psychopaths because you had one horrible ex-girlfriend. The hold that Chani Nicholas must have on this girl! I still like Gabby, especially after seeing her with her parents, but if she were holding a flag right now, this interaction would make me believe that flag is the same color as the sunburn Kyle gets from being at the beach without sunblock.
Since we’re already at the beach, let’s talk about Mya and Lindsay’s discussion. Mya sits Lindsay down to go over their conversation in L.A., where Mya claims that Lindsay said she was trying to get with Carl, and Lindsay says that Mya was trying to get Carl stoned. Lindsay gives her interpretation of the events, and, of course, she’s mad not because of what Mya said or did with Carl but because Mya didn’t consider Lindsay. When Lindsay brings up Mya texting Carl to hang out and smoke a J, Lindsay says, “Did you think to have a conversation with me first?” Uh, no. She didn’t. Why would she? Does everyone have to ask permission from a friend’s partner before hanging out with that friend? No!
Lindsay adds, “At that time I was sober to support my BF, and you’re asking him to go smoke without even caring that I’m not drinking to support him.” First of all, Mya might not have known that. Second of all, maybe explain that to her nicely and calmly. And third of all, they should both be most concerned about Carl’s sobriety. Lindsay seems to be saying that Mya needed to consider Carl’s sobriety and Lindsay’s feelings. I think Lindsay has this a little messed up. I thought she was concerned for Carl. No, she was pissed for herself. That seems, how can I put this, somehow askew with reality.
Now we’re onto the big fight between Carl and Kyle. Well, it’s a big fight a-brewing, but it is a reality-television argument that I absolutely love because both players are right and wrong. It’s about determining who is more right and who is more wrong and, as the universe’s biggest Kyle Cooke apologist, you know where I’ll fall, but I’ll try to be objective. The picture becomes clearer and clearer throughout this supersized episode, and the points below are extrapolated from Kyle and Carl’s conversation at the beach, Carl’s conversation with Lindsay and Danielle at lunch, Kyle’s conversation with Amanda at home, and Kyle’s (semi-drunken) outburst at the end of the episode. Let’s get into it.
Carl’s points: Mr. Radke is not happy at Loverboy and, as a sober person, is thinking about leaving the alcohol industry altogether. It sounds like he feels like he is the face of the brand, is doing lots of personal appearances at different locations, and feels like he should be making more money doing what he’s doing. He says that Lindsay has made him aware that he might be worth more, and he’s trying to get everything that he’s worth. Basically, he thinks that he’s working harder than ever before and that he should be compensated for it.
Kyle’s points: Kyle says that Carl is underperforming at work and has checked out for the past nine months, ever since he’s gotten together with Lindsay. He says they lost an important distributor in California (not the Coachella Valley!) because Carl didn’t keep up the relationship. He says that Carl took off for a wedding without notifying his direct superiors that he wouldn’t be in the office and available for meetings. He also says that when he hired Carl, Carl was “unhireable,” and he didn’t fire him even though Carl showed up drunk regularly and once so coked out that he forgot to bring his laptop to work.
Why I agree with Carl: We all know that Loverboy is a brand that is built on fame. There wouldn’t be near as many people drinking it or going to liquor stores to check it out if it weren’t for Carl, Kyle, and/or Amanda to lead them there. If Carl is doing appearances by himself, he should get the kind of money he thinks he should be getting. Also, he’s clean and sober now and probably working harder and better than ever.
Why I agree with Kyle: He is my imaginary husband, so it is my duty. Beyond that, Kyle has given Carl opportunity and purpose when he was looking for it. Without Kyle hooking him up with a job, his rock bottom could have been much worse. Also, you can’t just dip out on your responsibilities and have to tell your boss where you are the whole time. Kyle also thinks this has to do with Lindsay being in his ear. Lindsay is now a full-time reality star and has closed down Hub House PR. I have a feeling that she isn’t doing much and wants all of Carl’s time, and when he gets Slacks at 11 p.m. she says, “You aren’t getting paid enough for this. Pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeee.”
Also, I think Lindsay is placing a premium on Carl’s “influencing” for Loverboy since that is how she’s looking at the world right now and wants him to star, not in Loverboy ads, but in Reels about Marshalls so they can both cash in. And it’s a start-up. Carl might have gotten shares or an ownership stake in Loverboy that will someday make him a small fortune. Maybe Carl and Lindsay aren’t taking that into account when considering his compensation.
Why I disagree with Carl: If Carl is as bad at his job as Kyle says he is (and if you remember the first several seasons of Summer House, it seems like historically Carl isn’t a great employee), then maybe he shouldn’t get paid more. If all he is doing is showing up to these appearances, that is his value to the brand, and he’s already been paid by his salary. Also, it seems like Kyle has done everything in his power to find a role for Carl that he will flourish in, and Carl hasn’t told him what he wants that job to be. Carl also won’t tell Kyle he wants more money, which seems to be the major sticking point of the argument.
Why I disagree with Kyle: Carl didn’t make Kyle give him a job when he was down and out; Kyle did that to help a friend. Kyle can’t hold it over his head for the rest of Carl’s life and say, “You should be nice to me ’cause I saved your ass.” That shit has to have some kind of statute of limitations. And for Kyle to bring this up on the show is pretty gnarly because that’s getting in the way of Carl getting future jobs now that everyone knows his dirty secrets. And Lindsay may be influencing him, but Kyle shouldn’t be the one to litigate that. That’s between Lindsay and Carl, and if Carl asks for what he wants, that’s what he wants, no matter who got him to think that is what he wants.
The verdict: Never work with your friends. And never tell Kyle Cooke he reminds you of your father.
