I know I always make fun of how many boxes are at the entrance to the Summer House each week, but it is now time for me to stand on my soapbox about a cause that is very near and dear to my heart: the term “assless chaps.” For Kyle’s cowboy-themed 40th birthday party, several of the girls wore chaps, including Lindsay Hubbard, who smashed them wearing them over a cow-print bikini. Ciara also had on a pair of rawhide chaps with a matching bikini top, and I’m not sure exactly what being straight entails, but I think that somehow happened to me when I watched her riding a mechanical bull in that outfit.
With all that considered, only one of the women (it was Lindsay) said “assless chaps.” I’m sorry, but that is wrong and redundant. All chaps have no ass; that’s how they’re designed. They’re meant to wear over jeans while riding a horse or motorcycle, even though it’s gay men who pioneered putting them on over a jock strap so that their ass hangs out. That is what most people mean when they say “assless chaps,” but they’re all assless; sometimes there is covering and sometimes there is not. This public-service announcement has been brought to you by the Gay Separatist Association, protecting gay culture and exclusivity since August 16, 1958. (That’s Madonna’s birthday.)
Oh, and while we’re doing PSAs, here’s another one for the straight boys: Stop asking your girlfriend’s father for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Yeah, it’s a tradition, but there are many other traditional things we don’t do anymore, like stoning adulterers to death and whatnot. This is antiquated, stupid, and misogynistic. Like your girlfriend needs her father’s permission to do anything? Like the fate of one woman should be in the hands of two men who both claim to love her? No! There is no dowry, no ancestral lands, and no joining of kingdoms. If Carl wants to marry Lindsay, the only opinions that matter are Carl’s and Lindsay’s because, let’s be honest, if Lindsay’s dad says no, they’re still going to get engaged anyway.
Aside from those two blunders, the party was amazing. This is really everything I want in a Summer House episode: hot boys, hot girls, hot boys flirting with hot girls, a few familiar faces, a few deep conversations, and some light personal, but mostly fun, drama. I love that Rachel and Jason from Winter House stopped by, even if it was to help put up a flower wall. I also loved when Luke showed up in a Tex-Mex blanket looking like the Frito Bandito cartoon in 90-degree heat. Just like a real party, I want to run into people I know that I haven’t seen in eons. Why haven’t we invited all the alums? Call up that weirdo Jordan and ask if he’s out of the closet yet. Get the Wirkus twins on the horn and tell them to bring their unique brand of chaos along with them. Heck, even call Stephen, the gay who is probably still in love with Carl.
The party planning itself is next level. There are bales of hay. There is the aforementioned flower wall that Rachel and Jason put together, floating letters that say, “Holy Cow” in the middle of the pool, and a mechanical bull. The boys are dumping a bucket of water on Kyle when he whips off his bandana to show that he isn’t quite nude, just wearing a teeny, tiny little hat on his wiener so that it doesn’t get cold or scared in front of so many people. After that dud of a Study Fifty-Forrest party Gabby threw, she should be quaking in her spurs.
And what about the drama? The first bit of drama comes out when Lindsay sees Jason, who she had a fling with two years ago, got pregnant with, and then lost the baby. She didn’t know he was attending and gets a little freaked out. Danielle rushes to her side to let her know he is there so she can escape to her room. Carl then does the gentlemanly thing and quashes it the best way anyone could by going up to Jason and saying something along the lines of, “Lindsay didn’t know you were coming and was a little surprised, so don’t expect much interaction.” Jason says he understands, and it stops there. I don’t know if that’s because Jason has proven himself to be one of the most reasonable people on Bravo or the fact that he’s now getting Gizzy with it.
Ciara is smart enough to get out of whatever is happening with Kory and Sam. Our favorite Barbie and Ken go for a liquor run together and are totally “vibing” with each other. So, she bows out of the Kory race. Sam is entirely correct when she says Kory is the kind of guy who stops texting as soon as you start getting feelings. I mean, this girl has him pegged. Well, I’m not sure if he’s into pegging, but Sam has him covered if he is.
There is also a bit of drama when the guys get together in the middle of the party to discuss their relationships. Guys? Talking about their relationships? With their tops off?!? Carl invites the dudes to his housewarming party in the city, and Craig, who is visiting from Charleston, says that he and Paige have been dating for about as long as he and Lindsay, and they’re not thinking about moving in. Carl says that they have a lot of history together, so it makes more sense.
This leads to Craig pulling Paige for a chat. I just said, “pull for a chat” because I watch Love Island. Know who else does? The Bed Sore Sisters, because they are talking about Sam putting in the “graft” on Kory, and you only say that if you spend about 80 hours a summer watching British girls with fake lips chase Instagram clout and boys with bad tattoos who are all named Ollie.
Anyway, Craig and Paige go for a chat, and Craig is basically like, “I want to propose to you and have you move to Charleston.” At the thought of moving south, Paige bursts into tears and almost dies. Paige, do not move down there. Do not do it. Just tell Craig you’ll marry him, but you’re never leaving New York (until you have a second kid, and then you’re going to be like, “Oh, Montclair isn’t so bad. I can be in the city in 20 minutes door to door!”). Paige wants to get engaged and married to Craig — the assurance from Amanda that she had no clue if she was ready when she got engaged was sweet — but she just doesn’t want to leave the Big Apple to be a fake intern at Gwynn’s. She’s right that as soon as they get engaged, a clock to hit certain benchmarks will start: when they’re getting married, when they’re moving in together, and when they’re going to have their kids. I think Paige is in love with the guy, but she wants to live her life on her own terms, not those set by, you know, people who still think that they need to talk to her father before asking to marry her.
The biggest drama, of course, is between Danielle and Lindsay at the end of the party. They finally decide to chat, and it seems they’re not on the same page. I think this is a case of them both being wrong. Lindsay sees Danielle bringing up her relationship with Carl at the girls’ night as an attack because Lindsay sees every conversation she doesn’t want to have as an attack. However, to her point, it probably would have been better to bring up her issues with Lindsay on their own.
However, Lindsay sees this as an issue with how Danielle feels about her and Carl. It seems like Danielle has more of an issue with the changing shape of their relationship. Lindsay thinks that Danielle should be supportive because she’s found the one thing that she’s been looking for her entire life. Yes, Danielle should be happy and move aside a bit, but Lindsay also needs to realize how Danielle feels and try to prioritize their friendship. I don’t think she should prioritize it over her relationship, but throwing Danielle a little friendship bone every now and again wouldn’t hurt.
Lindsay was right a few episodes back when she said she would take 50 percent of the blame for what’s happening with her and Danielle. I think that is exactly right. Right now, they’re in conflict and headed away from each other and where they both want to be. They need to decide to move towards each other, Danielle realizing that their dynamic needs to change and Lindsay making a little bit more room for Danielle in her life.
But what Danielle hints at near the end of her argument is that Lindsay doesn’t care enough about her. She asks why Lindsay never asks about how she’s doing. “Our relationship has always been about me being there for you,” Danielle says. Lindsay sarcastically says that she has never been there for Danielle, and Danielle says, “You never had to be.” This is deeper than the Carl stuff. This is about Danielle feeling like Lindsay uses her friendship when she needs it and dipping when she doesn’t. But this is also about Danielle allowing a dynamic to happen for years and doing nothing to correct it. We all have friends who ask us no questions, who are so self-involved they have no clue what your dog’s name is, but you know the score, how it works, and as soon as you want more, it’s over. I think that Danielle suddenly realizes that she wants more, and Lindsay cannot deliver it. At least Amazon could deliver some chaps with the ass already gone.
