Do you feel that? Do you feel that in the air? The moon is high in the night sky and that means only one thing: GIRLIE SEASON IS HERE!
The time is right to shotgun an entire bottle of Champagne! Swap your outfit with your best girlie!! Giggle about butts!!! Squeeze someone’s li’l butt (with consent)!!!!
Hide a secret tiny pistol in your hair! Fill a ring with poison to drop into the drink of a pushy suitor! Fake your own kidnapping and reinvent yourself in the American Southwest! Trick a detective into looking for your husband’s killer, knowing that it was you who did it and it was so easy … so easy …
Oops, sorry. I overshot Girlie Season and landed in Femme Fatale Fall. But honestly, if this season suddenly pivoted to Gabby and Rachel luring each of these 32 men to their deaths by promising to smooch them at the edge of the Bachelor Mansion property and then shoving them off that giant cliff, I would not complain. I would welcome it with open arms. I’m excited. I would watch these two gals be gals and do girlie things all day long. I’m having a fantastic time and they sent the magician and the creepy twins home immediately. I want things to always be like this.
Let’s get to it.
Everyone! Everyone! Did you remember that we have TWO BACHELORETTES? Not one, not three, and not some ridiculous number like one, but TWO. We relive the moment when Gabby and Rachel found out that they were going to share the role and then we get to see them meeting various groups of people backstage at the ABC lot and telling them that they’re going to be the Bachelorettes. Fans outside, their waiting families, their Uber driver! But don’t expect this whole season to be Gabby and Rachel holding hands and giggling, because lest you forget, it’s the most shocking season of The Bachelorette yet!
Okay, I know they’re trying to tease how exactly this is going to work, but let’s brainstorm some rules here: The roses should be different colors, the men should have to pick a lady and stay with her, they are allowed to give two roses to one contesticle but then they must do that thing where they kiss him on his cheeks at the same time.
It’s time to meet our Bachelorettes! We have Rachel, the flight instructor with a heart of gold who is now capable of speaking above a whisper, and Gabby, an ICU nurse–slash–former NFL cheerleader with a sense of humor and a subtle Bump-It! They’re way hornier than anyone thinks and they’re both having a Hot Bimbo Summer! And they both were wronged by a Bachelor who got a check-minus in Communication Skills. They both make their way to the mansion. Gabby says good-bye to her dog and Rachel flies across the country??! What in the Amelia Earhart? They both drink Champagne straight from the bottle and then it’s time to meet the men.
We get glimpses of the men at home watching the reveal of the TWO Bachelorettes, and what’s the timing here? Did they know they were going on the show before this reveal or are they such big Bach Heads that their family knew they would have a big reaction whatever the decision was? The guys have all the same questions that we do: “How is this going to work? What if we like both women? What if both of them like one of us?” I hate to break it to you guys, but I can’t see that happening. Imagine being so confident in your appeal to women that you’re like, “Well, they’re both going to fall in love with me, obviously.”
I also wrote in my notes, “OH NO! TWINS!!!”
Gabby and Rachel are catching up at the mansion and discussing their types, and they honestly name every type of guy. “I’m looking for someone tall, but also short is fine. He could be smart, but also dumb. He should have a sense of humor, but I’ve never dated a man who made me laugh so I guess I’m flexible on that.” Mostly they just want someone who will be able to make a decision, no reason. Gabby says that men have not yet earned the right to be trusted and she expects someone is going to try to play their asses, but they’ll have each other to figure it out.
It’s time for the most men in Bachelorette history! THIRTY-TWO!!! There are so many weirdos, so let’s get to it!
Zach is the first out of the limo and he forgets his own name and I don’t think we hear from him for the rest of the episode. Aven knows that family is important to both of them and reassures them that the men in their lives will approve of him. Jordan H. brought noise-canceling headphones and puts each Bachelorette in them so he can talk to them individually. He tells Rachel that he lives an hour away from her so she won’t have to move far if they end up together, and tells Gabby that he’s broken a few bones and wishes she was his nurse. Why didn’t any of these men step out of the limo and yell, “HELLOOOOO NURSE!”? Missed opportunity.
There’s Chris the mentality coach, and I would appreciate a 15-minute presentation on what this man actually does. Not what’s in his Instagram bio; I need a breakdown of his daily accomplishments. Mario does a dance, Ethan juggles, and Kirk does his best Friday Night Lights and that is going to get exhausting. Logan has two baby chickens because he’s been getting used to hanging out with “two chicks.” Gabby says, “I thought that was a rat.”
Gabby is determined to take the wind out of every man’s sails by playfully ribbing each of them before they can complete their rehearsed entrance speech. I am here for Gabby.
Quincey, who looks like a swole Kel Mitchell, has too many buttons unbuttoned and tells them that he hasn’t had sex in a year and a half. Gabby and Rachel are HORNY. They do not want “saving myself for my person,” they’re complaining mid-cocktail party that they want more of the guys to kiss them. Lead with hedonism, fellas. Feed them each a succulent berry, tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, and tell them their kisses taste like summer. Do I have to do everything for you people?
After meeting some Josh Peck–lookin’ dude named Hayden, the next entrance montage theme is, “The guys keep bringing up Clayton.” Rachel and Gabby are NOT. INTO. IT. Alec brought a glee club of children in sweater vests to sing an incredibly long song about how much Clayton sucks. It’s got a chorus, several verses, choreography. Alec comes out of the limo and there’s still more song left. It’s too much and Alec’s earring is too long. Next is James, a.k.a. Meatball, who brings a big-ass meatball sub. There have got to be minimum 30 meatballs on that thing but no sauce, no cheese, no toppings. Just dry, wide bread. You see men in the background for the rest of the night chomping down on a section of sub. You know that limo smelled crazy.
Then there’s Roby, an actual magician who turns a playing card into a watch and you can kinda see the little thing the card folds into, right? Like we can all see a black box behind the watch, right? They should have sent him home right then and there.
(Once, I was on a cruise ship as a “performer” and we were all hanging out in the performer lounge and the magician did an impromptu show for us and I called him “a witch.” And this Black magician said, “Witch is like the N-word for magicians,” and I was like, “You and I both know that’s absolutely not true.” That’s where I’m at with magicians.)
John mixes up their names and then we get Tino arriving on a big forklift because they’re both so forking gorgeous. He’s Rachel’s type. (Read: all chin and possibly Italian?) Jacob comes in shirtless on a horse. YES! This is correct! Beyoncé has been on multiple horses in the press lately. Being titties-out on a horse is having a moment.
Out of the limo next is Joey and Justin. No. Pass. Not interested.
After a few more men, it’s time to get into the house and smooch these men!!!! They give their night one toast and we’re gonna have a problem because both of them want to be the last word in the toast. I need them to set up a system where they alternate who ends the toast.
Time for the cocktail party! I wrote in my notes, and I quote, “ROBY DOING MAGIC TRICKS!!!! FUCK!!!!” He gives these women a full-on magic show complete with getting down on one knee and doing some crowd work. All his questions to them sound like he’s interviewing them for The Linking Ring Quarterly. “You ladies are in a position of power. How does it feel to be on the other side of the table?”
The twins steal Gabby and Rachel away and talk to them at the same time about how they have completely different personalities but the same job and hobbies. Gabby is not having any of this. She is very bored and asks if they can read each other’s minds. They say their twin powers are limited to “spotting each other across campus.” Do they live together now? This is not okay.
It’s time for the men to divide and conquer. Ryan sits down with Gabby and she negs him from moment one and he shushes her multiple times. The way hot people flirt is baffling to me. Jacob sits down with Gabby and he reads her a list of attributes of the woman he wants to marry. That Josh Peck–lookin’ dude made Rachel a card out of things he found in his hotel room. Jordan V. shows her his race car and she really wants him to kiss her but he doesn’t. She has to remind herself it’s only night one … but Clayton was kissing on night one.
Gabby and Mario smooch and it doesn’t look like a good smooch. They meet straight on, no tongue, like they’re kissing in a ’50s movie. Tino takes Rachel to “the stairs” in the Bachelor Mansion and wants to give her some good memories. I don’t know if Rachel has bad associations with these stairs or just stairs in general? It doesn’t matter because Rachel is FEELING HIM and they smooch. These men are asking for permission to kiss and I’m not mad at it.
Gabby and Rachel meet up at various points of the night to gab and goss about the men. They’re getting their smooches and they’re so happy about it. And for the record: Tayshia and Kaitlyn should be hosting this season. They would bring the correct slumber-party energy to this series. Some of the guys are trying to make moves on both of them and there are two first-impression roses! Tino gets Rachel’s first-impression rose and he can’t wait to tell the guys at his completely legitimate construction business, and Mario gets Gabby’s first-impression rose and … that was a surprise.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and Gabby and Rachel are going to do things a little differently. They feel bad that there are men that they didn’t even get a chance to talk to, so instead of eliminating someone they didn’t get to know, they’re eliminating three people they talked to that they know they don’t like. So bye, Magician and Twins. You never stood a chance. If possible, stop being a magician and twins.
They’re doing things their way, fellas! There’s never been TWO Bachelorettes and that’s a number! To love!!!
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