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Chris Pratt Apologizes for Anything Offensive He May or May Not Say

Chris Pratt, the biggest star of 2014 and the Michelangelo of Poop Pics, is one internet-savvy guy. After the series of unfortunate incidents that was The Avengers: Age of Ultron press tour, which included Robert Downey Jr. walking out of an interview (then pompously insulting indie films) and a weird, sexist bro moment courtesy of Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner (Evans apologized; Renner didn’t), Pratt has beaten the internet outrage machine to the punch: The Jurassic World star issued an apology for anything offensive he may say during his upcoming press tour. We forgive him already.

And the Cannes Film Festival Winners Are ...

The Cannes Film Festival is the most prestigious film festival in the world, and its top prize, the Palme d’Or, is film's highest honor. Consequently, people have really strong feelings about what they think should win. Regardless of which film takes whichever award, it’s usually controversial. This year, the main competition jury, considered by some to be one of the best juries in the festival’s long, illustrious history, was headed by Joel and Ethan Coen (Fargo, No Country for Old Men, The Big Lebowski) and featured Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth), Jake Gyllenhaal, Xavier Dolan (Mommy), Sophie Marceau, Rossy de Palma, Rokia Traoré, and Sienna Miller. Here are the films that won at this year’s Cannes, as reported by Indiewire. Let the angry think pieces commence.

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Star Wars Fan Compiled All of the Force Awakens Rumors Into an Epic Plot Synopsis

Get your geek on: For fan site MakingStarWars.net, user DarthLightlyBruise has compiled all of the Force Awakens rumors from the internet and amalgamated them into one long, cohesive plot synopsis. Of course, this could be 100 percent wrong, but as far as pure speculation and fan fiction go, it’s pretty fun. You can read it here, and it should go without saying that the force of potential spoilers is strong with this one.

  • Posted 5/22/15 at 2:58 PM
  • Movies

The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence Review: No. Nope. Uh-uh.

No. Nope. Uh-uh. In case you were expecting director Tom Six’s sicko human-anus-to-mouth-stitching horror saga to suddenly become better, or at least tolerable, by its third installment, let me just shatter your dreams right now. Human Centipede 3 is the worst of the lot. Is that even possible? Apparently, it is. Maybe it’s because it’s also the most ambitious — ambitious in a way that undermines the earlier films’ peculiarly chilly and disquieting world view, their … wait, integrity can’t possibly be the word I’m looking for, can it? Let me put it this way: I suspect that even those who consider themselves fans of the Human Centipede franchise will feel betrayed by this outing.

“I told you this film would be shit, and it literally is shit!” »

  • Posted 5/22/15 at 2:43 PM
  • Movies

Faith-Healing Drama Aloft Is a Little Humorless, But I Liked It Anyway

In the opening scenes of the brooding Aloft, a young boy carrying a falcon rushes along with his mom (Jennifer Connelly) across a bleak, frozen stretch of road in the Arctic, on their way to see a mysterious faith healer. We don’t know what era we’re in, or who exactly these people are. Director Claudia Llosa doesn’t like to answer a lot of questions about her characters — which can be maddening, especially when they’re doing portentous, symbolic things like walking around with falcons and waiting in line to see Arctic faith healers.

The story is certainly strange. »

The Men of Chocolate City Will Melt Your Brain

Right before the first trou drops in Chocolate City, strip-club owner and emcee Princeton (Michael Jai White) asks an audience of screaming, fiending women (both in the film and, presumably, in movie theaters around the country), “Y’all have seen Magic Mike, right? Now, we gonna add a little chocolate.”

Indeed, there are some similarities: Both movies have lead characters named Michael and called Mike. Both movies involve dance sequences that involve “Pony" (in this case, performed by Ginuwine himself). And both spend ample time driving home the point male strippers sell not merely just sex, but fantasy — complete with prolonged eye contact and artful attention to the wiener. But be warned: While you may have seen Channing Tatum pump his pelvis with every ounce of energy he had, you are not prepared for the sexual power of Chocolate City.

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  • Posted 5/22/15 at 12:35 PM
  • Sequels

Abracadabra, Now You See Me Is Now a Trilogy

Pay attention, do not take your eyes off this screen: Where once there was just one forthcoming Now You See Me sequel, now, suddenly, through the power of money, there are two! On an earnings call today, Lionsgate CEO Jon Feltheimer revealed his plans to conjure up a trilogy for the 2013 Jesse Eisenberg vehicle, which grossed over $350 million worldwide without having a superhero, giant robot, or even a colon in its title. It's as if magic were real after all! Feltheimer did not hint at any plans for the title of the final installment, but you have to guess Now You 3 Me is on the table.

Meet Zhao Tao, the Chinese Actress Who Might Beat Cate Blanchett and Marion Cotillard at Cannes

You may not have heard of Chinese actress Zhao Tao, but chances are you will during the awards ceremony at the end of this year's Cannes Film Festival. Tuesday night, the movie she starred in, Mountains May Depart, directed by her husband and longtime collaborator Jia Zhangke (A Touch of SinStill Life), got a seven-minute standing ovation. And the loudest cheers and applause came for Zhao — who had tears streaming down her face. More and more, she's looking like a likely spoiler for the Best Actress race. 

What's required of Zhao is enormous. »

  • Posted 5/22/15 at 10:07 AM
  • Movies

When Marnie Was There Starts Slow, But You’ll Be Crying by the End

“In this world, there’s an invisible magic circle,” our heroine Anna, 12, tells us at the beginning of the new Japanese animated film When Marnie Was There, based on Joan G. Robinson’s 1967 children’s book. “There’s inside, and there’s outside.” Judging by the forlorn way she looks at her schoolmates playing among themselves, the lonely Anna, we suspect, is very much outside the circle. Or rather, she sees herself outside it: Though the film is sympathetic to her self-loathing, it also makes it clear that Anna’s feelings of persecution stem from within. A foster child who lost her biological parents at a young age, this girl seems forever to be poking away at an unhealable wound.

Initially, it’s hard to pin down exactly where the story is going. »

  • Posted 5/22/15 at 9:56 AM
  • Movies

The New Poltergeist Isn’t Quite a Travesty, But It’s Not That Scary Either

Call off the bomb threats. The new Poltergeist is not the raging hellfire of sacrilege many of us feared it might be. This reboot of Tobe Hooper and Steven Spielberg’s 1982 horror classic seemed like a bad idea from the start. The original, about a little girl sucked into a television set by ghosts from the beyond, played on the weirdly unsettling phenomenon of TV white noise. To those of us who grew up in the age of the cathode ray, that blast of blank sound and static overload felt like a time bomb waiting in the family boob tube. But it’s largely absent in today’s HDTV world. Plus, the earlier film’s greatness may even have been something of an accident — a result of the fortuitous, though at the time reportedly quite contentious, conflict between Hooper’s go-for-broke nihilism and Spielberg’s paeans to suburbia. Besides, if you’re going to remake Poltergeist without the whole TV angle, Insidious already kind of did that.

To be fair, this new Poltergeist isn’t anything special, either. »

  • Posted 5/22/15 at 8:00 AM
  • Theater

God’s IMDB: A History of Actors Playing the Almighty

God comes to Broadway this month in the form of Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons, who will portray the Almighty in the new comedy An Act of God. But he’s not the first to portray the man upstairs. Here’s a history of Gods in movies, TV, and theater.

Whoopi Goldberg, Morgan Freeman, and more stars. »

Keanu Reeves Yells a Lot in the New Knock Knock Trailer

Cute dog, nice house, Keanu Reeves — at first glance this trailer might look more like something for John Wick than the psycho-sexual thriller Knock Knock. But then Lorenza Izzo and Ana de Armas appear. After Reeves's character slips up, the two femme fatales break all his stuff and make him lose his marbles. Lots of yelling and laughing ensues; most of it is uncomfortable because this is Eli Roth and bad things must happen to semi-bad people (hopefully the dog gets a pass).

Reese Witherspoon Will Be Live-Action Tinker Bell

Reese Witherspoon is attached to tell a live-action version of Tinker Bell's story, The Hollywood Reporter writes. The project is in development, but, yes, in one of the more solid cartoon-to-live-action casting moves in recent memory, Witherspoon would play the titular fairy. Like the Peter Pan movie hitting theaters soon, this one also has a fun, one-word name: Tink. Finding Dory screenwriter Victoria Strouse is penning the screenplay, which will reportedly tell us the story we don't know (think Angelina Jolie's Maleficent). Drama. Most other details are under wraps for now, but Witherspoon is set to produce the film with Bruna Papandrea.

Cannes: Is Love the Most Sexually Explicit Film of the Year?

Today at Cannes, I had an argument with my roommate over the film we'd just seen. That in itself was nothing new, but the content of our conflict was a little different this time.

"Jada," I asked her, "how many cum shots do you remember from that movie?"

It was the kind of movie where you could actually lose count. »

Batkid Begins Trailer: Batkid Wants to Make You Cry, Again

A couple of years ago, 5-year-old cancer survivor Miles Scott became a viral sensation when he asked the Make-A-Wish Foundation to help him play Batman for a day. They transformed all of San Francisco into his own personal Gotham City, and we all had a collective ugly-cry watching Batkid save the day. We get to relive all those feels in a new documentary about the whole event, out June 26, and then again when Julia Roberts adapts the doc into a feature film! Pro tip: There's no such thing as too many tissues.

  • Posted 5/21/15 at 10:00 AM

The Oral History of the Human Centipede Movies (It’s Pretty Gross)

In the late ’00s, at the height of horror’s lazy regress into found-footage knockoffs, tired torture porn, and teen-slasher remakes, Dutch writer-director-provocateur Tom Six and his co-producer sister Ilona decided that the genre must die so that he might bring it back to, frankly, disgusting life. The murder weapon? 2009's The Human Centipede — a film about a lunatic doctor (and here is where the squeamish or easily offended should stop reading this piece) who conjoins three kidnap victims anus-to-mouth-to-anus-to-mouth. 

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Tomorrowland Is the Anti–Hunger Games

Brad Bird’s Disney-produced sci-fi adventure Tomorrowland is the most enchanting reactionary cultural diatribe ever made. It’s so smart, so winsome, so utterly rejuvenating that you’ll have to wait until your eyes have dried and your buzz has worn off before you can begin to argue with it. And you should argue with it — even if you had a blast, as I did, and want to see it again with the kids, as I do — because it’s a major pop-culture statement with all sorts of implications, both vital and nutty.

Bird is mounting nothing less than a full-throated assault on dystopianism in today’s movies. »

  • Posted 5/21/15 at 8:00 AM
  • Profile

The Star on the Sidewalk: How Arielle Holmes Went From Homeless Addict to Hollywood Actress

As discovery stories go, it’s not exactly Lana Turner at Schwab’s. Josh Safdie, a filmmaker in New York, was hanging around the Diamond District when he met Arielle Holmes. He’d been doing research for a film called Uncut Gems and had decided that total immersion — a sort of Method directing — would help his work. After two and a half years, he had a pretty good sense of who was who on the 47th Street scene. But then, there she was in the subway: someone new, fresh, looking like a young Anjelica Huston, swiping her MetroCard at five in the afternoon. 

“I was like, Oh, there’s a classic Russian Diamond District girl,” he recalls. He approached her, expecting broken English and a hard-knock immigrant tale. Instead, there was a Jersey accent. She — this girl with the long brown hair and the big, sad eyes — said she’d never acted before, but she’d always thought she’d be good at it.

“I miss it. The freedom. The not having responsibilities. The need to survive every day.” »

Michael Caine to Young Men: You Will Someday Have My Body

One of the more frequently viewed sights in Paolo Sorrentino's lush new film, Youth, which screened this morning in Cannes to rapturous applause and a smattering of boos, is Michael Caine's naked body. The 82-year-old plays a former orchestra conductor holing up at a Swiss spa hotel with his daughter (Rachel Weisz) and old movie-director friend (Harvey Keitel), and who is often lounging in a pool or getting a massage from a girl who has braces. Caine is far from bashful at this point in his life. "It didn’t matter to me because it’s the only body I’ve got," Caine said at the movie's hard-truths-filled press conference. "An aging body, also, to people who are not old, this is what’s going to happen to you. So don’t get too smart about it." Hear that, bros? Someday you'll have Michael Caine's body. Enjoy what you've got while it lasts.

More on the 82-year-old's truth bombs about aging: »

Walking Dead’s Robert Kirkman, Top Scribes Set for Future Transformers Flicks

Paramount and the powers behind the Transformers films have finalized the writers' room for the franchise's forthcoming slew of sequels and spinoffs, Deadline reports. Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg, and Lorenzo di Bonaventura selected Akiva Goldsman roughly two months ago to ramp up more robots-in-disguise-fighting-robots-in-disguise movie ideas and to attract personnel. Here's the projected team thus far (and movies that they definitely aren't making): Walking Dead creator Robert Kirkman (robots vs. zombies, please); Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway (robots vs. robots, maybe); Pacific Rim 2's Zak Penn (robots vs. kaiju, please); and Amazing Spider-Man 2's Jeff Pinkner (robots vs. spiders, please). More scribes will reportedly be added, so get ready to spend all of your future paychecks on endless movies about robots and things they may or may not want to blow up.