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The Humor Section

  1. Tweet More or Eat Sh*t, Because I’m Roidin’ Up This Zoo’s Social Media […] Welcome to Hell, nimrods. This is your last day as employees of the Cincinnati Zoo and your first day as global brand ambassadors of a […]
    By Brian Boone
  2. Welcome to Our Extremely Tasteful, Dangerously Haunted Dream Home, by […] You are cordially invited to an elegant housewarming function at the home of Colette and Tad Newman this Saturday. Address: 666 Hemlock […]
    By Brian Boone
  3. How I Bought a House at 25 by Saving Up and Also Being the Daughter of the […] As a millennial, I’m so frustrated when I see my peers complaining about their circumstances. The idea that my generation is entirely helpless […]
    By Brian Boone
  4. ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret’ Updated For Adult Women Who […] Are you there god? It’s me, Margaret. I go by Mags now. Last time we chatted, I had just gotten my period. A lot has happened since. I’m 26 […]
    By Brian Boone
  5. Essential Advice for Your First Party, by Matt Corluka If you’re here, in my class, then you already know my story. Until I was 21, I’d never been to a party. And then everything changed. I went to […]
    By Brian Boone
  6. Long Works of Literature Made Shorter—and Better—with the Addition of […] Atlas Shrugged “Who is John Galt?” The light was ebbing, and Eddie Willers could not distinguish the bum’s face. The bum had said it simply, […]
    By Brian Boone
  7. I Am Gareth the Bold, and I Fear No Confrontation, by Graham Techler I’m going to stop you right there, and it won’t throw me one bit. I ordered this meal with the Dressing of a Thousand Islands and this is […]
    By Brian Boone
  8. Odysseus Reviews the New Translation of ‘The Odyssey,’ by Michael Maiello “Tell me about a complicated man,” begins Emily Wilson’s translation of The Odyssey, which is the story of me, Odysseus. I read this […]
    By Brian Boone
  9. Cute and Unlikely Human Companions, by Ralph GamelliStepping out her door, Helen Malloy was completely unprepared for what she saw. There on the front yard, her husband Gus—famous for angrily […]
    By Brian Boone
  10. Men Find Me Intimidating Just Because I’m a Sentient Robot Sent Here From […] When I first arrived at these time-vector coordinates to stalk and kill John Connor, future leader of the human resistance, I didn’t realize […]
    By Brian Boone
  11. Winter Blues Band for Hire, by Bizzy Coy Dear Nightclub Booker, Hi. I’m Dugan Rathbone, guitarist and lead vocalist for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, the nation’s only […]
    By Brian Boone
  12. Marvel, Why Haven’t You Financed My Insect-Hero Film ‘The Fantastic Franz […] Dear Marvel Studios, Over the past few years, your production company has financed many big-budget, high-octane, insect-inspired films […]
    By Brian Boone
  13. An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your […]How to Pick the Perfect Blood Diamond for Your Engagement Ring So, the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment, and you’ve […]
    By Brian Boone
  14. I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas GardnerHey Sandra, Just wanted to say I can’t wait for our blind date this Friday! I’ll see you 7 o’ clock sharp at Maguire’s Pub. Since you don’t […]
    By Brian Boone
  15. An Excerpt from ‘TITLE 13,’ by Michael A. Ferro Thirty-seven pages of highly classified TITLE 13 material were reported missing at the Chicago Regional Census Center on Wednesday […]
    By Brian Boone
  16. A Celebrity Profile That’s Only Descriptions of What They Were Wearing, If […] Grace Schoeppner looks as if she has just stepped out of a dictionary, the one she occupies as the definition of the word “chic.” Floating […]
    By Brian Boone
  17. So I Prefer a More Form-Fitting, European Cut on My Tailored Outerwear. […]Oh, am I causing a scene? Is this too much? Maybe you’re fine with the absolute bare minimum of quality when it comes to your wardrobe. Maybe […]
    By Brian Boone
  18. the humor section
    You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian AglerDid you forget that journalism costs money?
    By Brian Boone
  19. Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm My Dearest Clyde, I lay pen to pixelated paper on day 487,000 of this desolate bloodshed. Every treacherous battle is the same. My brethren […]
    By Brian Boone
  20. How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet […] Growing up is difficult. We all reach adulthood at different points. For me personally, a lot of my friendships started to change at that […]
    By Brian Boone
  21. Wonka, Inc. Quarterly Report, by Patrick Muncie To: The Board of Directors and Shareholders of Wonka Chocolates and Confections, Inc. From: Charles “Charlie” Bucket, Chairman and […]
    By Brian Boone
  22. I Have Created the World’s First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards […] Hear me. Hear me, you worms who do not yet know the extent of your own inferiority. I know that you can see me (for how could you not?), but […]
    By Brian Boone
  23. Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti Fight Club (1999) Wings (Seasons 1-3) Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu) Matchstick Men (2003) Sam Patterson (Refuses […]
    By Brian Boone
  24. Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, by Bizzy CoyAmerica, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV? Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented […]
    By Brian Boone
  25. KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. […] ’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court, I now offer this argument sounding in tort: My client, Miss Kramer, and others […]
    By Brian Boone
  26. UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left Unzipped, by Sarah Hutto UNZIPits were born out of the all-too-common struggle to capture the effortless charm of the unzipped pant while avoiding having the cops […]
    By Brian Boone
  27. How to Be Good at Comedy, by Johnny G: Comedian and Owner of House of […] So you’re funny around the water cooler, huh? You think you got what it takes to make it big in showbiz? Well, take some notes and listen […]
    By Brian Boone
  28. Help, I’m Bobby Brown and I’m Stuck in This VHS Copy of ‘A Goofy Movie,’ […] Sheesh, am I ever glad you showed up! I’ve spent 22 years stuck here in this plastic purgatory, All the way down here at the bottom of the […]
    By Brian Boone
  29. See Fewer Posts Like This, by Liz Arcury Why Are You Hiding This Post Today? • This post is offensive • This post threatens harm • This post proposes the notion that Adam […]
    By Brian Boone
  30. Another Email About the Tax Brochure from “Jazz Guy” at Work, by Jeffrey […] From the top: Hey, this is Dorian from the tax department — we met last Thursday at the BEPS conference downstairs (I was the one whose silk […]
    By Brian Boone
  31. I’m So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such a Mess, by Ben HargraveOh, wow, this is quite embarrassing. I’m so sorry about all the clutter. Of course, I obviously knew you, Dom, and the kids were coming over […]
    By Brian Boone
  32. A Pairing Menu for Works of Postmodern Literature and Appropriate […] The paranoia-inducing The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon is best paired with a room temperature watermelon wine cooler, which should […]
    By Brian Boone
  33. An Excerpt from ‘Paul Ryan Magazine’: Proust Questionnaire, by Anna Heyward Paul Ryan is the unofficial magazine of the Speaker of the House, brought to you by the team behind The Neu Jorker. Edited by James H. Folta […]
    By Brian Boone
  34. Your Daughter Appears to Be Our Daughter’s Kindergänger, So Now We Have […] Hello, and come in, please! We’re so glad you accepted our invitation to lunch. Can I get you some water or iced tea? We might have a beer or […]
    By Brian Boone
  35. Excerpts from Frankie Muniz’s Autobiography That Make Me Think It Was […] I remember the day my mom got the call that I landed the part of Malcom in Malcom in the Middle. She was grinning from ear to ear when she […]
    By Brian Boone
  36. Congratulations, You Have Been Invited To Hawktoberfest, by Dan Caprera Dear Mr. Kensington, It is with great joy that I tender to you my deepest and sincerest “congratulations.” Over the past few decades, you […]
    By Brian Boone
  37. The Writers’ Room: A Documentary, by Matt Corluka Imagine a place with the musical genius of Jared Leto and the geological wonder of the La Brea Tar Pits. Two conflicting entities: One sucks […]
    By Brian Boone
  38. Unsatisfactory Past Life Regression Results, by Shana Gohd I’d like to begin by thanking you for choosing our Past Life Regression services over similar, albeit less-experienced, providers available. […]
    By Brian Boone
  39. Trump’s ‘Sweet Valley High’ Spec Novel Notes, by Kit Lively Donna is a smart, beautiful, popular girl. Really, really big boobs, maybe? But they let her be head cheerleader anyway, because she can do […]
    By Brian Boone
  40. Out of Office Replies for These Political Times, by Kimberly Harrington I’m sorry I missed your e-mail. As you may have heard, women are no longer allowed to use computers so I’ve actually missed every single […]
    By Brian Boone
  41. The Harrowing, True Story of When I Lost My Wallet at the Farmer’s Market, […] MORNING: MY ROUTINE I wake up in my Brooklyn apartment, put my Pomeranian in her sweater, take the elevator downstairs, and avoid eye […]
    By Brian Boone
  42. These Niche Podcasts Were Made For You! by Brian Alexander TO: mikeymilwaukee33@gmail.com Marginally Attractive Men in Milwaukee. Do you live in Milwaukee? Do you consider yourself a man who’s at […]
    By Brian Boone
  43. I Invented the World’s First Menstruating Drone, by Adrienne Teeley If you would have told me 30 years ago that I, Dr. Ted Montgomery, would end up as one of the most lauded and influential robotics engineers […]
    By Brian Boone
  44. Welcome to the Hayden Panettierium, by Kathryn Doyle Thank you for visiting the Hayden Panettierium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space at the American Museum of Natural History. I, […]
    By Brian Boone
  45. An Excerpt from ‘The Best American Emails,’ by Amanda MeadowsYou’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~ To: amandasjunkmail@ymail.com From: thescreenery@screenery.film Subject: You’re Invited to a […]
    By Brian Boone
  46. My Imaginary Boyfriend Josh, by Hana Michels My grandfather has gotten to that point where he knows he is not going to live forever. In most people’s cases, this is a time to revisit […]
    By Brian Boone
  47. Thanks For Looking After My Five-Headed Bat-Like Creature While I’m Away […] Thanks for taking care of Giuseppe while I’m away on vacation, Shaun. Especially on such short notice! Sarah, the girl who works in business […]
    By Brian Boone
  48. The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris […] I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that […]
    By Brian Boone
  49. On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the […]
    By Brian Boone
  50. Letter of Recommendation, by Barbara Holm In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best. To Whom It May Concern, I […]
    By Brian Boone
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