Last night after watching Ugly Betty — and realizing that the plotline was completely stolen from Dirt (sleazy male magazine editor sleeps with an underage girl, gets blackmailed for a cover and lo and behold, turns out she’s actually 18!) — one giant question remained. How on earth can a fashion-magazine staff dress like such hookers? Herewith, we present Ugly Betty’s Crimes Against Fashion.
1. It’s All About the Ta-Tas.
We have nothing against breasts (hell, we even have a pair). But must every girl have her girls propped up front and center, in tops that are cut down to there — and yet, no nip slips! (Thank you, double-sided tape!) Christina (a.k.a. the closet girl) had hers strapped into a purple dress. Wilhelmina started the show in a lace teddy that was most certainly not La Perla. We have to commend the men for maintaining eye contact.
2. Plaid As a Wardrobe Staple
Marc, Wilhelmina’s assistant, pranced around in a green plaid vest over a pale blue shirt. Close your eyes and envision that for a second. An assistant’s style is a reflection upon the fashion editor’s. What’s Marc reflecting about Wilhelmina? That she’s clearly colorblind and slightly retarded.
3. If You Can Breathe, It’s Clearly Not Tight Enough
Amanda, the oversexed, over-eating (yet miraculously thin) receptionist wore our favorite outfit of the night: a tight white shirt with short puffed sleeves under an even tighter vest with, yes, an extremely tight black ruffled skirt. Top it off with a gray tie and she’s an ABC exec’s vision of a downtown fashion girl. With a tapeworm.
4. Fashion Shoots Can Double as Sci-Fi Sets
No episode is complete without a swimsuit shoot. The models frolicked in front of a blue screen wearing gold Princess Leia bikinis that looked like Jabba vomited sequins on them. Did we mention that they also wore masks? Can’t wait to see that in Vogue.
All of these atrocities, however, were redeemed by one wonderful line uttered by the blackmailing mother to her of-age model daughter: “Come on, Petra, you must be starving. Let’s get you a club soda.” Now that’s fashion. — Amina Akhtar