‘House’ Differential Diagnosis: The Needle and the Damage Done

Each week in Differential Diagnosis, we’ll recap last night’s episode of House the way the good doctor and his team would do it. This time we’re holding the Sharpie.

The Situation:
A dying boy needs a bone-marrow transplant from his brother, who falls suddenly and inexplicably ill. Foreman’s timidity after having killed a patient could cost him his job.
House gets a dog.

Symptoms:
• We start with the patients in the hospital.
• Chase/Cameron subplot reduced to a 34-second interchange.
• Kid has “acute scrotum” and doesn’t even lie about it.
• Team destroys both kids’ immune systems in the first ten minutes.

Preliminary Diagnosis:
Plot Acceleration Syndrome. Some good shit must be about to go down if we’re hitting all the requisite business so quickly.

Secondary Symptoms:
• “If we don’t get this under control, his blood will literally turn to water.” Whaaaaaa?
• House calls a dying kid’s life “meaningless,” tries to murder his dog, and buys a new cane — with flames on it!
• House’s dog acquires a limp and a Vicodin habit.
• Foreman harvests bone marrow. From a child. With no anesthesia. Using BIG-ASS needle.
• Each brother willing to die for the other (or have a needle the size of a turkey baster jammed into his bone).

Final diagnosis:
Malignant Gluteus (a.k.a. Badass). Okay, the flaming cane was lame, but the reversals were thrilling, the patients were brave without being treacly, and did we mention the BIG-ASS needle? Bonus cajones if Foreman actually quits (he won’t). — Jordana and Sean Williams