Harry Potter: The Complete Obituaries

Courtesy of Scholastic

From our worldwide correspondents, we bring you Harry Potter Fauxbits in Brief, a complete compendium of the last year’s death reports on the Wizarding News Wire. Who died in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Good or evil, human, animal, or elf: We’ve got ‘em all, after the jump.

Um, spoilers, obviously.

Hedwig Potter, a snowy owl approximately ten years in age, was killed in July 1997 by an Avada Kedavra curse that narrowly missed her owner, Harry Potter, while he was escaping from his childhood home. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Hogwarts Owl Liberation Society.

Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody, former Auror, professor at Hogwarts, and member of the Order of the Phoenix, was killed by Voldemort in July 1997 while attempting to aid Harry Potter in his escape from his childhood home. Moody, thanks to whom it was said that half the Death Eaters in Azkaban were imprisoned, sacrificed much in the battle against evil, including a leg, an eye, a chunk of his nose, and eventually his life. His magical eye was buried in the forest after some time spent as a peephole in Dolores Umbridge’s office.

Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic, was killed on August 1, 1997, in the uprising that led to Death Eaters taking over the Ministry of Magic. Though tortured, he did not give up Harry Potter’s whereabouts, despite Potter being an irritating prat who never lifted a finger to help the Ministry.

Peter Pettigrew, named “Wormtail” by his school friends — against whom, unremarkably, he later turned — died in the spring of 1998 via strangulation by his own silver hand. Though rumors abound that he was killed for showing mercy to an enemy of Voldemort, the Malfoy family — in whose home Pettigrew died — told authorities that Pettigrew’s death was a clear case of autoerotic asphyxiation gone awry. “He always was a creepy one,” said Draco Malfoy, 18.

Dobby, a Free Elf, was killed while helping Harry Potter and his comrades escape from the home of Lucius Malfoy. Struck in the heart by a knife thrown by Bellatrix Lestrange, he was known for his collection of odd socks and his devotion to Potter, who freed him from service. He is buried outside Shell Cottage.

Fred Weasley, co-owner of a popular Hogsmeade joke shop, Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, was killed during the Battle of Hogwarts when a section of the castle in which he was standing was blown up by Death Eater forces. Weasley, who along with his twin brother, George, was considered a practical joker par excellence, dropped out of Hogwarts in his seventh year. The Weasley family has asked that attendees to Fred’s memorial service be very careful where they sit and what they eat, as Weasley’s will stipulates that whoopee cushions and Puking Pastilles be liberally distributed around the church.

Two members of the Order of the Phoenix, Nymphadora Tonks, a former Auror, and her husband Remus Lupin, a werewolf, were killed of unknown causes during the Battle of Hogwarts. Tonks was a Metamorphagus, born to Andromeda Black — sister of well-known Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange — and a Muggle, Ted Tonks. Lupin, once a professor at Hogwarts, was bitten by werewolf Fenrir Greyback. Recently wed, Tonks and Lupin had a son, Teddy, 3 months old, who will be raised by his grandmother.

Severus Snape, Headmaster of Hogwarts and longtime Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House, was killed by Voldemort in June 1998 in an attempt to acquire the power of the Elder Wand. Feared by many students at Hogwarts as a strict and cruel teacher, and hated by many for his killing of Albus Dumbledore and Death Eater activities, Snape was, in actuality, a spy for the Order of the Phoenix, who at great personal risk misled Voldemort and helped to engineer his downfall. He did kill Dumbledore, but only on the great wizard’s orders. Donations may be made to the Greasy Git Image Rehabilitation Society, c/o Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, Hogsmeade.

Harry Potter, 17, a symbol of the resistance to Voldemort and a skilled wizard in his own right, was killed during the Battle of Hogwarts when he walked, unarmed, into Voldemort’s camp. Hit by Voldemort’s Killing Curse, Potter immediately dropped to the ground. It is unknown why Potter REDACT REDACT REDACT ALL BUREAUS REDACT POTTER IS ALIVE

Bellatrix Lestrange, a Death Eater and escaped prisoner from Azkaban, was killed in the Battle of Hogwarts by Molly Weasley, a witch fighting for the Order of the Phoenix. Famous for her cruelty in torturing the Aurors Frank and Alice Longbottom, Lestrange also killed her cousin, Sirius Black, and was responsible for countless other deaths. She is survived by her three beloved guinea pigs, Fuzzball, Mr. Fluffykins, and The Dark Lord Rules All.

Voldemort, born Tom Riddle, also known as the Dark Lord, died at the close of the Battle of Hogwarts, killed by the rebounding of his own Avada Kedavra curse in a duel with Harry Potter. Known for his elegant sense of style, his ambition, and his murderous cruelty, Voldemort on two separate occasions almost took over the Wizarding world before being stopped by Harry Potter. That which Voldemort did not value, he took no trouble to comprehend. Of house-elves and children’s tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knew and understood nothing. He was 62.

Related: J.K. Rowling Goes on the Record About Her Characters’ Futures
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Harry Potter: The Complete Obituaries