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For reasons beyond the reach of human comprehension, planners for last night’s Emmy Awards seated Kanye West next to Tony Bennett. What did they talk about? We speculate.
Kanye: Hey, sorry I’m late; I was throwing a tantrum. Did I miss anything?
Tony: Just my baffling performance with Christina Aguilera and two jokes about Hayden Panettiere’s 18th birthday — by Ryan Seacrest and Neil Patrick Harris, of all people. Plus I won an Emmy for singing the same songs I’ve been singing for the past 65 years. Who the hell are you?
Kanye: I’m Kanye West. I have the No. 1 album in the country.
Tony: Hey, that’s great. [Falls asleep for 35 minutes.]
Kanye: Tony, wake up. They’re presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Special.
Tony: Thanks, Kanye. [Wins award. Brings it back to seat. Falls asleep for another half-hour. Is awakened by Sally Field’s loud cussing.]
Kanye: Can I hold your Emmy? I’ve never won a real award — or a Grammy — before.
Tony: Sure, you can keep it. I have to go help Little Steven break James Spader’s legs.
Kanye: Wow, thanks, Tony Bennett!
FinAn Imagined Conversation Between Tony Bennett and Kanye West