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10 Directors Who Would Do the Unsexiest Sex Film

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In “Page Six” today, Quentin Tarantino says he’d like to make “a cool sex movie that would take place in Stockholm, with a couple of Americans visiting a couple of Swedish friends … just going out drinking, having a good time, hooking up.” Obviously said film would be completely disgusting, but it could actually be worse, believe it or not. We thought about it all morning and came up with a list of directors that could, if commanded, make an even unsexier movie about sex.

10. Oliver Stone
“It would take place in Vietnam, with a couple of American GIs visiting their friends … just going out drinking, committing atrocities, hooking up.”

9. Larry David
“It would take place in Los Angeles. It would be me, visiting my wife. We would not have sex.”

8. Paul Greengrass
“It would take place in London, Vienna, Prague, Bangkok, Sydney, and New York, with an international spy searching for the truth of his existence. In between waterboardings, he hooks up with his CIA handler.”

7. Noah Baumbach
“It would take place in Brooklyn, with a couple visiting another couple at their apartment. They would argue, and the husband (Jeff Daniels) would sleep with his best friend’s wife (Jennifer Jason Leigh). They would feel horrible about it.”

6. M. Night Shyamalan
“It would take place in Philadelphia, with a guy having sex with a bunch of women, but in the end, you would find out that the main character has been hallucinating it all, and actually he’s just been masturbating.”

5. Wes Anderson
“It would take place in an impeccably designed Parisian apartment on the Île de la Cité, with three brothers visiting their estranged architect father. What is this sex of which you speak?”

4. Woody Allen
“It would take place in New York, with a guy reliving the women he’s loved over his life, in homage to Fellini’s 8 1/2. I would play the man and would have sweaty sex with Scarlett Johansson, Beyoncé Knowles, Lauren Conrad, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Emily Blunt.”

3. Paul Haggis
“It would take place in Los Angeles, with a white cop visiting the home of the black woman whose son he accidentally killed. Forced to confront his own racism, he insults her with a slur, collapses weeping into her arms, then tenderly kisses her brow.”

2. Mel Gibson
“It would take place in ancient Egypt, be performed completely in hieroglyphics, and consist of 117 minutes of a slave being beaten to death.”

1. Stanley Kubrick
“It would take place in New York, star Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and be called Eyes Wide Shut.”

Think Kinky [NYP]

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10 Directors Who Would Do the Unsexiest Sex Film