Vulture Kicks Off the Fall-TV Deathwatch

Fall TV starts this week, and we couldn’t possibly be any more excited; at last we can use our television for more than just Wii bowling again! In addition to all our favorite returning shows, there are nearly 60 new ones debuting between now and December, but — like the children on Kid Nation — only a few of them will survive. Which will get shitcanned? We’ve only seen a few, so we have no idea. But that won’t stop us from baselessly speculating! Five predictions, after the jump.

1. Cavemen
The lovable Cro-Magnons from the Geico commercials move to the suburbs looking for love, making light of racial prejudice and, presumably, saving a bundle on their car insurance. We’ve seen it, and it’s not very good.
Premieres: 10/2 on ABC
Predicted date of cancellation: 11/27

2. Viva Laughlin
This Hugh Jackman–produced mystery-drama focuses on a casino owner and staff in Laughlin, Nevada, who frequently break into song. Jackman and Melanie Griffith will occasionally guest star, probably when ratings dip, but surely that won’t work.
Premieres:10/21 on CBS
Predicted date of cancellation: 10/22

3. Journeyman
Rome’s Kevin McKidd stars as a newspaper reporter with the ability to travel through time. The reviews are so bad, we just traveled back in time ourselves to not watch it again.
Premiered: last night on NBC
Predicted date of cancellation: 11/20

4. Big Shots
Dylan McDermott and Josh Malina star as philandering corporate executives in this latest attempt at a Sex and the City for men. When will the networks learn that the vibrator jokes don’t translate?
Premieres: 9/27 on ABC
Predicted date of cancellation: 10/25

5. Samantha Who?
Formerly known as Sam I Am and then Samantha Be Good after Dr. Seuss’s estate sued producers, this Christina Applegate comedy is actually pretty good, but, since its title seems to change every ten minutes, it will likely be impossible to TiVo.
Premieres: 10/15 on ABC
Predicted date of cancellation: 11/19