apropos of nothing

Vulture Predicts the Winners of the 2009 Golden Raspberry Awards

Courtesy of G.R.A.F.

We’ve already warned you about the crapstorm headed your way next year when Hollywood starts releasing all the awful movies they rushed into production before the impending strikes by the Screen Actors Guild, the Directors Guild, and the Writers Guild. Yesterday, Website ComingSoon.net obtained the complete top-secret list of all the films (and their attached directors) that will soon be stinking up a theater near you.

And now that we know the full extent of what we’re dealing with, we can finally begin speculating: Which of these probable disasters will reign supreme at the 2009 Golden Raspberry Awards? Since we obviously haven’t seen any of these films, and we know only their titles, we can’t call the winners in every category, but we can be pretty sure about a few. Our guesses, after the jump.

Worst Actor: Martin Lawrence, Big Momma’s House 3
Hands down.

Worst Director: Drew Barrymore, Whip It
We don’t really have any idea what Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut will be about, but one can only assume that it will follow a guy (presumably Jimmy Fallon) who’s forced to choose between the girl of his dreams (Barrymore, we guess) and his fanatical devotion to the band Devo. In the end, through machinations too stupid to get into here, he’ll somehow find a way to choose both. Even if this isn’t the plot, how can this movie possibly be any good?

Worst picture: The Birdcage 2
This is an especially tough award to call, particularly since there are several video-game movies, one based on a theme-park ride (Jungle Cruise), and two films directed by Brett Ratner on the imminent horizon. But we feel safe going with this sequel to the 1996 cross-dressing comedy, mostly because, well, Robin Williams is in it.

Strike Memo Reveals Lots of Juicy Info! [Coming Soon]
Earlier: Burn, Tinseltown, Burn!: Translating Today’s ‘Hollywood Reporter’ Story on the Coming Labor Unrest

Vulture Predicts the Winners of the 2009 Golden Raspberry Awards