Why Michael Jackson’s Comeback Will Definitely Be a Huge Success

The Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that J.T.-forebear Michael Jackson is planning a comeback album and tour — and to that we say “Great!” While common sense says that this will be an unmitigated disaster, we predict that Jackson’s return will be a runaway success. Why? Because he needs the money.

The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, Led Zeppelin, and the Sex Pistols all stand to make a few bucks from their cynical reunion tours, but they’re all living comfortably off the royalties from their original successes. Plus, none of their standards of living are as high as Jackson’s. And, since white-tiger zoos and gold-plated Ferris wheels don’t pay for themselves, he’ll just have to charge more for tickets. In a time of tasteless, pointless, money-grabbing comebacks, his will surely be the least tasteful, most pointless, and money-grabbingest of them all — he once floated a 60-foot statue of himself down the River Thames; he’ll ask $3,000 for a concert ticket and not think twice. Sure, he’ll probably get mocked, and he may even look like this picture we made, but he’ll make enough money to restore Neverland Ranch to its former glory, believe you us.

Jackson plans his comeback [Chicago Sun-Times]