‘Kid Nation’: Who Should Drink the Bleach?

Courtesy of CBS

Best episode so far! We figured it would be a good time to weigh in on some of our favorite kids with some Kid Nation superlatives. The children are really developing their own personas! Let’s make fun of them!

Kid Who Most Deserves His Own Show: Jared, 11, Georgia

Jared peppers his observations with references to Shakespeare and Martin Luther King. Prone to melodrama (during a dust storm: “It’s a twister. It’s a TWIS-TARRRRR!”), Jared seems to prefer observing Bonanza City from the sidelines. We’d like to see him get a little more hands-on; how about a show where he’s forced to live in the desert all by himself? (Click here to see an outtake of Jared revealing his extensive knowledge of the causes of the dust bowl!)

Kid We Most Want to See Drink Bleach: Taylor, 10, Georgia

In this episode, Greg calls pageant-queen-who-reminds-the-kids-she’s-a-pageant-queen a “little bitch,” and we kind of have to agree. Cute as a button, Town Council member Taylor solves problems by screaming “Deal with it!” and walking away. Her quotes from this episode:

“As the upper class, we don’t really have to work to get our paychecks. We can laze around all day!”

“As the upper class, we don’t really have to work to get our paychecks. We can laze around all day!”
(When told she thinks she’s “the queen”): “I am a queen, I’m a pageant queen!”

At the end of this episode, the kids revolt against Taylor (“You’re doing a bad job! Deal with it!”), demanding the Kid Nation equivalent of impeachment. But justice is deferred when Taylor cries and says she’ll try harder, the kids cheer for her, and it’s over. Drink bleach, pageant queen!

Kid Who Is the Brute Squad: Greg, 15, Nevada

Greg once again causes problems in this episode, launching into a curse-filled tirade (bleep count: 7) in front of the younger kids after a night of too many root-beer sidecars at the town saloon (“I’m the village idiot? You’re the village idiot!”). But he redeems himself later by being one of the only kids strong enough to right the tipped-over outhouses after the dust storm, a chore that causes him to puke. This should have earned him the gold star, but he lost out to…

Kid Who Did Not Deserve the Gold Star: Mallory, 8, Indiana

Stuffed-animal lover and reputed shrewd store owner (Sophia: “I can’t stand that kid”), Mallory won the gold star because, well, it was her birthday and her sister urged the town council to make it a special one! NO FAIR!! “I don’t think I’ll ever forget this birthday because I got the golden star and I get to call my parents, and … I’m in NEW MEXICO!” she said. Go run your stuffed-animal rehab facility and leave the gold stars to the closers, birthday girl.

Most Mysterious Lackey: Blaine, 14, Florida

Who is Blaine? Blaine is that blond kid who dresses like Greg and follows him around. He is Greg’s entourage. We don’t really know much about Blaine, since his only two speaking roles have been expressing his desire for pizza and voting for Greg to win the gold star. If Blaine is going to be a leader in Bonanza City, he needs to step out of Greg’s shadow and stop doing that Single White Female thing with the identical hat.

“New” Kid We Don’t Really Care About: Colton, 11, Nevada:

Colton was suddenly popular in this episode for being “funny,” “interesting,” and “a natural cowboy.” Despite a drunk-on-root-beer driving incident involving a wooden cart and random screaming early in the episode, he saved the day for his team during the sheep-wrangling challenge (Taylor: “If it weren’t for Colton, we wouldn’t [be upper class]!”) And it was Colton who provided the show’s most “don’t-worry-their-parents-signed-that-waiver” moment of the show so far: his uninterrupted standoff with an about-to-charge bull. But Colton is totally boring.

Next week: When the town council proposes weekly services, Bonanza City is torn apart by RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES: the “Christian homes” versus the “Jew Crew!” Seriously! Awesome! —Lindsay Robertson

‘Kid Nation’: Who Should Drink the Bleach?