quote machine

From Lee King to the King of the Jews: The Best Quotes of 2007

Photo illustration by Everett Bogue. Courtesy of Fox (Simpson); funnyordie.com (McKay); HBO (SATC); Getty Images (remaining)

“Who’s Lee King?” Mel B. when asked her opinion on the Spice Girls’ music leaking on the Internet

“It’s easy, if you’re a poet, to write complex verses like, ‘I’m coming after you like VWXYZ.’ Just think about that. It’s like, ‘Yo, V does come after U! That’s fucking crazy!’ My mind thinks like that all the time, coming up with crazy clever metaphors and rhymery thingies.” Will.I.Am on his creative process

“That’s a wonderful side effect of leather pants: when you pee yourself in them, they’re more forgiving than jeans.” Slash on the benefits of being a rock star

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.” R. Kelly

“I once sat next to a guy on a plane who complained he didn’t want to take his kid to ice-skating lessons because they were too expensive. He was sitting in first class. I told him: ‘I’m so glad I didn’t have a parent like you.’ My family has always supported me and revelled in my success.” Reese Witherspoon on why it sucks to sit next to her on a plane

“I would say millions.” Stevie Nicks, estimating how much money she’s spent on cocaine in her life

“[I] don’t believe there’s any difference between a monogamous and a polygamous relationship. Those are all just big words, like ‘gymnasium.’” Gene Simmons on open marriage

“Somebody came to CAA with a project [starring] Jackie Chan and wanted to attach Pearl to it.” —Proud father Adam McKay on the attention daughter Pearl received following her performance in Will Ferrell’s viral video “The Landlord”

“Apatow kept saying, ‘Less semen. More emotion.’” Knocked Up star Seth Rogen on taking scriptwriting advice from director Judd Apatow

“I ordered a Hummer hybrid.” —Noted environmentalist Paris Hilton. Unfortunately, according to a Hummer spokesman, there is no such car

“Laughing and all that dumb shit he used to do — he wouldn’t mess with me because I didn’t fucking play that shit. That’s taking all the attention off of everybody else and putting it on you, like, ‘Oh, look at me, I’m the cute one.’ I told him not to do that shit in my sketches, so he never did.” Tracy Morgan on working with former SNL co-star Jimmy Fallon

“You will come to in front of your disappointed parents with a face full of Sharpie and the sneaking suspicion that you’ve been teabagged by one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people of 2007.” John Mayer warns underage drinkers what will happen if they misbehave at future concerts

“People say, ‘Why do you want to put a clothespin on your nuts?’ You know why? Because that’s what I do for a living.” Aaron Eckhart on Method acting

“Jemaine went to the Viper Room the other night, got to the door and the woman said, ’$10, please.’ Then somebody turns to her [mimes whispering] and she goes, “$5, please.’ That’s my favorite experience. Not free, but celebrity discount — half-off entrance to a club.” Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords on how he and partner Jemaine Clement let their celebrity work for them

“I do want to apologize publicly for that tape. Not for the tape … just for hanging out with Scott Stapp.” Kid Rock on the sex tape he made with Creed front man Stapp and four women

“I thought people were going to come up and say, ‘Your show ain’t funny. And you’re stupid. And you’ve got no chin’ … But they’ve been nice. A couple of times, people were like, ‘Can I hug you?’ Then they stab you with a hypodermic needle.” Jack McBrayer, a.k.a. Kenneth on 30 Rock, on being recognized on the streets of New York

“How many 83-year-old men get up every morning knowing that they’re going to have a standing ovation sometime during the day?” Bob Barker on what he’ll miss about The Price Is Right

“My whole mantra is ‘It doesn’t matter how big I get, there’s always the smell of cow shit.’ Because on my first tour, we played all these rodeos, and there literally was cow shit everywhere. But maybe God puts the cow shit there to drive me.” Kelly Clarkson

“Many, many people did not watch Arrested Development, but the few who did are handing out some nice jobs in L.A.” Jason Bateman on his recent success

“My husband used to play Halo. He used to have a bunch of SNL writers come over and play Halo. In my apartment they had this thing where they rigged three or four TVs together. They had them on a rolling cart and they’d play, and play online. Then guess what happened? I had a baby. That shut it all down.” Tina Fey on how women can get their men to stop gaming

“The ride is designed to duplicate the Simpsons home-viewing experience, only at high speed and with lots of screaming.” Matt Groening on Universal Studios’$2 2008 Simpsons-themed ride

“My manager called and said, ‘Do you want to have David Duchovny snort cocaine off your ass in Californication?’ And I said, ‘As long as it’s not my naked ass — yes.’” Judy Greer on her role as a hooker on the Showtime series

“Ryan Gosling. He was a good kid, good actor. I like him very much. What was the name of the movie? I’ve forgotten it. Fracture.” Anthony Hopkins on his memorable co-stars and forgettable film titles

“I reckon Martin Scorsese is sitting somewhere in an office in New York and he sees [the title] American Gangster and he’s like, ‘Fuck! And I went with Casino?’” Russell Crowe

“They finally fired him? Fuck! I was saying forever, ‘He doesn’t speak English, doesn’t anyone see that as a problem?’” Timothy Olyphant, learning of the firing of Hitman director Xavier Gens

“I sometimes get blamed for the meatpacking district, yes. And I’m sorry.” Michael Patrick King, creator of Sex and the City

“He insisted that I make a movie, and now four years later, I have now done that! Whatever he tells you to do, you have to do it, because he is the King of the Jews!” Jerry Seinfeld, who was encouraged by Steven Spielberg to make Bee Movie

—Matthew Demblowski and Stan Park

From Lee King to the King of the Jews: The Best Quotes of 2007