First Review of ‘Cloverfield’ Confirms Everyone Dies, But in Some Awesome Way

“She’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like,
’Who’s filming the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog?’”Courtesy of Paramount

Ain’t It Cool News’s intrepid doofus Neill Cumpston is, as far as we can tell, the first “critic” anywhere to report on J.J. Abrams’s monster movie Cloverfield, and his review — while not up to the admittedly high standards of MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING — is still some vintage flow from the master of the cock-punch metaphor. What do we learn from the review? If you are going in to Cloverfield expecting to see a monster bite people’s damn heads off, you will not be disappointed:

And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie … makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.

And does everyone die, as we predicted? It seems like they do! In some grand fashion!

Apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought.”

But the greatest pleasure of the movie, according to Cumpston, is one we can really get behind: “indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.” Sign us up!

Earlier: ‘Cloverfield’ Trailer: We Pretty Much Know How This Movie Ends

First Review of ‘Cloverfield’ Confirms Everyone Dies, But in Some Awesome Way