If Anyone Ever Wins a Golden Globe, Who Will It Be?

Courtesy of HFPA (Globe), Fox Searchlight (Juno), Paramount Vantage (TWBB, No Country), Dreamworks (Sweeney)

With no awards show planned and the stars staying home, how will this year’s Golden Globe winners receive their awards? Will Billy Bush traipse to Angelina Jolie’s mansion and leave a statue on the porch? Will Harvey Weinstein dispatch an assistant to walk from New York to L.A. to pick up his Globe? Will some intern throw the awards in Priority Mail flat-rate boxes and ship them around the country?

However it happens, it seems probable some winners will be announced this weekend. Who will win and why? We don’t know, but we’re happy to fake it!

American Gangster
Eastern Promises
Great Debaters
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Will win: No Country for Old Men
Dark horse: Atonement

BEST PICTURE / Musical or Comedy
Across the Universe
Charlie Wilson’s War
Sweeney Todd

Will win: Juno
Dark horse: Sweeney Todd

Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
The Coens, No Country for Old Men
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Ridley Scott, American Gangster
Joe Wright, Atonement

Will win: The Coens
Dark horse: Julian Schnabel

George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
James McAvoy, Atonement
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington, American Gangster

Will win: Daniel Day-Lewis.
Dark horse: Um, no one. Sure! George Clooney or whatever!

BEST ACTOR / Musical or Comedy
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
John C. Reilly, Walk Hard

Will win: Johnny Depp
Dark horse: Um, no one. Sure! John C. Reilly or whatever!

Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley, Atonement

Will win: Angelina Jolie
Dark horse: Keira Knightley

BEST ACTRESS / Musical or Comedy
Amy Adams, Enchanted
Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Ellen Page, Juno

Will win: Amy Adams
Dark horse: Ellen Page

Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
John Travolta, Hairspray
Tom Wikinson, Michael Clayton

Will win: Javier Bardem
Dark horse: John Travolta

Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Will win: Cate Blanchett
Dark horse: Amy Ryan

Diablo Cody, Juno
The Coens, No Country for Old Men
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Aaron Sorkin, Charlie Wilson’s War

Will win: Diablo Cody
Dark horse: The Coens

If Anyone Ever Wins a Golden Globe, Who Will It Be?