Courtesy of Roadside Attractions
As we’re sure you’re aware, in the new film Teeth, Jess Weixler plays Dawn, a high-school student with a fanged, carnivorous vagina that exacts bloody revenge on all males who dare go near it. Terrifying? Certainly. It almost made us ready to declare this the Season of the Vadge. But is Teeth’s dentata the scariest movie vagina of all time? Not even close!
10. Audrey II, Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Hungrier than Teeth’s dentata, and a better singer to boot, the enormous carnivorous plant opens wide to devour even the biggest prick — in this film’s case, the heroine’s abusive dentist boyfriend, played by Steve Martin. Truly, Georgia O’Keefe’s worst nightmare.
9. Shelob, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)
The furriest ya ya on this list, Shelob is a giant hairy spider that lives in wet, gnarly caves and sucks her victims dry. In Tolkien’s novels, Orc legend has it that no one has ever “stuck a pin” in Shelob, which probably explains why she’s so cranky.
8. Unicron, Transformers: The Movie (1986)
Orson Welles gave his final film performance in the original animated Transformers movie as the voice of Unicron, an evil robot who transforms into a toothed, planet-eating cooter. Appropriately enough, Unicron is destroyed by an Autobot named Hot Rod. (We are totally not making this up.)
7. The Thing, The Thing (1982)
John Carpenter’s classic shape-shifting space monster could mimic the likeness of any carbon-based life form it wanted. In this scene, it turns into a molared muff and bites a doctor’s hand off. Kurt Russell’s bearded helicopter-pilot character is spared only when it mistakes him for one of its own.
6. Sharon Stone’s, Basic Instinct (1992)
Sharon Stone’s vagina is truly the Mark Hamill of celebrity hoo-has, achieving its greatest success in its first-ever major role, only to fade into obscurity immediately thereafter. In Instinct, it out-acted Michael Douglas and propelled the film to $353 million in worldwide box-office receipts. These days, we hear it’s doing community theater and Court TV reenactments.
5. Carol Anne Freeling’s Bedroom, Poltergeist (1982)
It’s not that the huge, people-eating vajayjay that appears in Carol Anne’s bedroom isn’t terrifying, because it is. It’s just that we live in a tiny, closetless New York apartment and think she should appreciate the additional storage.
4. Aliens and Predators, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
This schlocky horror sequel posits again that not only is there intelligent life on other planets, but also — by some amazing evolutionary coincidence — much of it is made up of savage vaginas who kill for sport. If ever there were a reason to cut funding to our space program, this is it.
3. James Woods’s Sleazegina, Videodrome (1983)
In David Cronenberg’s 1983 cult classic, James Woods’s character somehow, through a magical feat of Cronenbergian imagination, develops a VCR-esque hoo-ha in his abdomen whenever he watches crappy TV shows. We shudder to think what might’ve happened if he’d survived long enough to see the CW.
2. Eye of Sauron, Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001–2003)
Peter Jackson scores his second entry on this list (and seemingly underscores his own Freudian fears) with his vision of evil incarnate: a giant, flaming vulva. Particularly amazing: the cataclysmic climax at the end of The Return of the King, when the “Eye” convulses and collapses in spectacular fashion, followed by the long, slow afterglow that is the final half-hour of the trilogy.
1. Sarlacc Pit, Return of the Jedi (1983)
A lot less cute and furry than an Ewok, the Sarlacc Pit is the immense, sandy, Tatooine poon that swallowed Boba Fett and slowly digested him for more than a thousand years. Not even Sting could last that long. —Tammy Oler10 Movie Vaginas Scarier Than the One in Teeth