‘The L Word’ Had a Dream …

It’s official: Shane will have sex with anything.Photo courtesy of Showtime

Inevitably, certain episodes of a narrative series exist only as bridges to better (we hope!) future installments. Suffice to say that this week’s “Lady of the Lake,” while it hinted at better things to come, kicked off with a random dream sequence featuring the girls, as Charlie’s Angels, on a mission to shoot gaydar guns at Jenny. Good thing it was fairly amusing. Farrah Fawcett doesn’t have anything on Alice Pieszecki. Well, not much, anyway.

Tina finally gets some. And how! She meets a heart doctor — nice heavy-handed metaphor for the folks watching at home — on ourchart.com (shill-o-meter … hitting … gazillion.5) who likes both art and dirty talk. They go at it on the first date. As Tina’s shirt comes off, the learned healer says, “You have really great tits.” Dr. Feelgood then whips off her top to reveal “augmented” double-D knockers.

Shane Frenches Helena, but she doesn’t mean it. Turns out we can’t just chalk up last week’s wedding shenanigans to questionable script writing: Shane, now having an existential crisis, has sworn off sex. The lack of action has Shane “freakishly clearheaded” and pondering the meaning of “salubrious.” It also makes her turn an innocent hug into an embarrassing kiss.

Helena’s rich mother, Peggy Peabody (this season, actress Holland Taylor looks noticeably more fresh-faced — perhaps she’s gone off sex, too…), springs Helena from jail, planning to whisk her away from America and its pesky judicial system. But Helena has plans of her own — just, like, reclaiming that money she stole, liberating her lover Dusty from jail, and fleeing to an island paradise.

Tasha’s woes continue. Now she has to deal with a stunningly flat stereotype of a homophobe as her defense attorney. That southern accent he’s packing adds a certain je ne sais predictable to the proceedings.

When Bette and Jodi go to a lake house to hang out with Jodi’s longtime buddies, it’s clear that Bette’s not down with this boundary-less, faux salt-of-the-earth football-playing crowd. This is the scene where again we’re supposed to think that Bette is outrageously uptight. Maybe because we, too, hate (1) when strangers gallop up to us with tongues a-wagging, and (2) bougie jackanapes who play at being down-homey while vacationing, we were on Bette’s side this time. But, phew! Bette gets a reprieve when she’s called back to L.A. to help Kit recover from being held up at gunpoint. And so do we. —Caryn Brooks

‘The L Word’ Had a Dream …