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If the Jonas Brothers are, as we suspect, about to take over the entire world, it would behoove you to meet your tyrannous overlords before you’re forced to kneel at their bejeweled feet. A whole lot of panicked online research leaves us prepared to declare the Jonas Brothers the most talented, handsome, and deadly teenage dreamboats ever to drop down from Heaven in order to destroy life as we know it. But who are they, really?
At 15, Nick is the youngest Jonas in the band, but he’s the musical leader of the group and will likely rule over Earth once the revolution is complete. He got his start performing on Broadway at the age of 7, with roles in A Christmas Carol, Beauty and the Beast, and Les Miserables, so his palace will likely employ actors to perform for his pleasure. His favorite food is steak, so expect the world’s cows to be decimated by his followers’ rapacious desire for meat; eventually, he will sate his hunger with the haunches of his fans. None shall complain. Nick plays guitar and sings lead vocals; he also plays piano on the song “When You Look Me in the Eyes.” He also has Type 1 diabetes, but this seeming weakness only fuels his burning desire to take over the world.
As the “middle Jonas,” at age 18, Joe always hoped to be a comedian, not a musician; even today he is considered “the funny one.” When the Jonas Brothers sweep across North America, laying waste to all in their path, it is Joe who often makes a lighthearted joke putting things in perspective. Nonetheless, Joe is not to be trifled with, as rumor has it he is romancing actress Chelsea Staub — just the first in his eventual harem of the world’s 1,000,000 most beautiful women. When Joe sings, cherubs erupt from his mouth and scatter across the landscape, firing flaming arrows at any wood-frame structure. Joe also plays the tambourine.
As the oldest of the Jonas Brothers — 20 years old — Kevin is the one who has reached into the music business in a non-performing capacity, assisting in producing the Brothers’ self-titled 2007 album. Though all Jonases have an otherworldly intelligence that dwarfs the puny intellect of humankind, Kevin might be the smartest; it is likely that when the Great and Glorious Era of Jonas begins, Kevin will be placed in charge of the allocation of resources to the emaciated, enraptured citizenry. His well-documented love of bowling suggests that America’s flattest states — Nebraska, Kansas, and Iowa — will immediately be paved over and turned into enormous bowling alleys. His Tiffany chastity ring — in addition to being “totally rock and roll” — emits a powerful beam of energy that can heal the sick, cleanse the sinful, and scourge enemies from the very earth.
Frankie, also known as the “Bonus Jonas,” is 7 years old. He likes Webkinz and the New York Yankees. He plans to join the band as the drummer when he is a little bit older. His diabolical laugh can peel paint off a barn. He is the most dangerous of them all.
Earlier: Disney Unleashes the Jonas Brothers Upon a Terrified PopulaceKnow Your Jonas Brothers Overlords