For all the uncountable millions of Americans upset by the news that master filmmaker Uwe Boll won’t be making a Tetris movie, take heart! FremantleMedia and Fox TV — the same partnership that brought us American Idol — are finally bringing the worldwide phenomenon (popular everywhere except Antarctica and here, apparently) of Human Tetris to America. As far as we can tell, Hole in the Wall (the American name for the show, which will be casting in Times Square next month) features contestants in spandex attempting to fit through strange shapes cut out of an onrushing wall. If you fail to squeeze through, the wall either disintegrates harmlessly or knocks your shiny body into a giant pool of yellowish water (whichever your country’s unique sense of humor deems funniest).
But if the U.S. ever hopes to really compete in the global marketplace for ridiculous video-game-related TV game shows, we’re going to need to start exporting a few of our own. How about Pac Human, in which overweight, yellow-helmeted contestants navigate a maze filled with cheeseburgers, while being chased by Pilates instructors? Or maybe Human Mario Bros., which would ask NYC apartment dwellers to fix the messy disasters caused by their ancient plumbing systems live on television? Maybe the final round involves wrestling the giant alligator who crawls out of the toilet. And how about Human Guitar Hero, on which heavy-metal guitarists compete to see who can look the stupidest whilst soloing? It would be exactly like VH1 Classic, but with a point-scoring system. —Ehren Gresehover