Vulture Is Officially in Mourning

American Idol

Season 7 Episode 42

No jokes today, people. It’s just too … painful.

God, he was so sweet. And innocent! And he never hurt a soul in his life! He brought so much joy to so many, little David Archuleta, and this is how you repay him? With a humiliating defeat on what should have been the most glorious night of his life?

We should have done more. More charts. More … something! We had an idea for a chart last night that we should have made during week six! It was a pie chart, and the headline was “How Much Do We Love David Archuleta?” and the entire chart was blue and inside the chart it said “A lot!” and it had his smiling picture. What if we had made that chart? Would everything be different now?

When Ryan made the terrible announcement last night, and little David nodded — so gracefully! — and ceded the stage to his inferior, David Cook, that caterwauling amateur, we thought of nothing but the immortal lines from Housman:

Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay,
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.

For us, David, your laurels shall never wither; forever shall they wend ‘round our hearts. Farewell, sweet Idolbot 2008. We shall remember you always.

Vulture Is Officially in Mourning