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Week in Review: The Five Stages of Grief

Looking back on the worst week ever…

How could wonderful little David Archuleta possibly have lost? He sang flawlessly on Tuesday night, just as he has all season! Even Simon told him he’d scored a knockout victory, capably transforming even the world’s crappiest song into one besting the collective efforts of Beethoven, the Beatles, and the finest angel choirs in all of Heaven! Clearly Wednesday’s American Idol finale was all just some awful dream, shared simultaneously by 31.7 million viewers.

Shut up, David Cook! You’re bald! And a bad guitar player! Plus, you look a little like Philip Seymour Hoffman! We hate grunge versions of eighties songs — and you! You’re not fit to carry the Jonas Brothers’ tambourine case! People only voted for you ironically!

David Archuleta still gets a record deal, right? At least we have his fantastic albums to look forward to, don’t we? And even if we’re the only ones who buy them, he can still mount a comeback on Broadway, right? RIGHT?

Oh, what’s the point? There’s simply no recovering from this.

We have not yet reached this stage. Posting will resume on Tuesday. Enjoy the long weekend — we know we won’t.

Week in Review: The Five Stages of Grief