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Bizarro-World Arnold Schwarzenegger to Play the New Terminator

Roland Kickinger, Bizarro-world SchwarzeneggerPhoto: Getty Images

Please note: Every single news item happening in Hollywood today has to do with sequels, remakes, or adaptations of old movies. It’s official: Hollywood has declared war on originality.

Arnold Won’t be Back: Meet Roland Kickinger, a native of Austria who took up bodybuilding at a young age before winning the Mr. Universe competition and then getting into acting. Now he’s landed the role of a lifetime as the Terminator in Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. Only time will tell if he’ll eventually marry a Kennedy and run the state of California. [Clinton News Record via AICN]

Parton Works 9 to 5: Even though she once called Broadway songwriting “a little out of [her] league,” it’s been confirmed that country-singer-big-boob-haver Dolly Parton will score the musical version of 9 to 5, which begins previews spring 2009 at the Marriot Marquis under the direction of Wicked’s Joe Mantello. Producers promise the show’ll be huge, gigantic, unnaturally big, [insert more boob jokes here]. [Playbill]

The Butterfly Will Fly Again: Producer Branko Lustig (Schindler’s List) has announced a remake of 1973’s Papillon, the prison-break movie with Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman. No screenwriter or director yet, but the $90 million budget comes almost entirely from taxpayers in the Canary Islands via a complex government reinvestment scheme. And you thought privatizing Social Security was dumb. [Variety]

MGM Moves to the Valley: MGM has dug through its back catalog and the best idea they came up with is a musical feature version of 1983’s Valley Girl. Even though the songs are pretty bitchin’, there’s no way to top Nicolas Cage’s over-the-top too-cool-for-school ‘tude, so why even bother with a remake? Like, duh. [HR]

Mine Goes to 11: Hyde Park closes a deal to remake Blake Edwards’s 10, better known as “that movie where Bo Derek runs on the beach in slow motion.” Producers promise a “global search for a newcomer to play the new 10.” It’d be kind of like winning the Miss Universe pageant except the prize is … cornrows? [Variety]

Bizarro-World Arnold Schwarzenegger to Play the New Terminator