Well, now that our boss has finally seen The Dark Knight, we’d assumed that no one was left on planet Earth who has not yet bought a ticket for the most important movie of 2008, the movie that will save America’s economy while also teaching our businessmen how to lead. But we were wrong! It turns out that none of this week’s Vulture newsmakers have yet seen The Dark Knight. Come on, people! It’s August! It’s not like there’s anything else out! What are their foolish excuses?
Richard Griffiths: Movie theaters require shirts for admission.
David Archuleta: Too busy drinking David Cook’s milkshake.
Kenny Chesney: Wants to wait for the movie to run in a theater powered by seal oil.
Michael Cera: Scoring.
Michael Madsen: Can’t leave the phone in case Quentin calls.
Mike Myers: Too busy writing the scene where Austin Powers’s genitals are covered with something funny. A cucumber?
David Carr: Already redeemed the memoir, now busy redeeming the human race.
Ben Silverman: Filing for unemployment.
Quentin Tarantino: Apparently attending the Swing Vote premiere.
Isaac Asimov: Dead, and soon to be rolling in grave.
Estelle Parsons: Upside down.
R. Kelly: Recording another album this week.
Snoop Dogg: Learning Tuvan throat-singing.
Terry Gilliam: Tilting at windmills.
Woodward and Bernstein: In hiding.
George W. Bush: Watching the W. trailer over and over again, cracking up.
John C. Reilly: Dancing around in underpants.
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Counting his Oscars.
Sharks: Eating you.