“Coke Dick and the First Kick” finds family and fornication all mixed up. Hank uses his big mouth to set himself up as an upstanding guy, but just can’t avoid sexual chaos; with Marcy’s permission, Charlie’s life makes about as much sense as a porn script.
After Hank walks in on self-help guru Julian screwing some rocker chick in Ashby’s mansion, he tries to convince Karen to pass the information on to Julian’s girlfriend (and Hank’s baby-mama-to-be), Sonja. Karen, countering that it’s none of her business and that Julian and Sonja might have an open relationship, prompts Hank’s impassioned and long-winded diatribe against non-monogamy; Karen is as shocked as we are. Turns out she’s right. Sonja explains that she’s not the go-it-alone type, and fat, hairy, unfaithful Julian might be her last chance. This round of aging-woman-in-L.A. sadness is interrupted by her baby’s first kick, which is an opportunity for Hank to reveal his caring and nurturing side. Once he knocks a lady up, she’s a Madonna, not a whore.
Charlie has not only invested his savings in a Chinatown-inspired porno, but he’s shooting it at home. Marcy isn’t exactly thrilled to discover this when she comes home from the waxing salon early, but her mood’s nothing that a few lines of coke with a porn stud can’t cure. Charlie gives his client, Daisy, a pep talk and almost promises to deliver her from porn, but she sets him straight: “I love porn. Because I love sex. And I lost it at the movies. Literally.” Pauline Kael would be proud. Meanwhile, the stud doing blow with Marcy means that Charlie has to fill in for him on set. Marcy fully supports this clumsy plot twist; whether it’s really because she doesn’t want them to end up living on cat food in La Brea, or because she’s playing a mind game related to Charlie’s demand that she sober up, we will have to see.
Also awaiting resolution: whether Hank will bed the hot housewife who was Ashby’s “one who got away.” For now, this daddy of the year has decided that it’s a great idea to bring his daughter, Becca, and her dangerous almost-stepsister, Mia, to Ashby’s den of sin for an afternoon jam session. Karen wisely drags Becca home before Hollywood hell can suck her in. That frees up Hank to flirt with Annika Staley, a Rolling Stone reporter covering Mia’s (stolen) book. Turns out Annika wrote one of the worst reviews Hank ever received. Luckily, it wasn’t actually because his book sucked or he’s the misogynist asshole she suggested; she was just having a rough time, you know, with guys and stuff. Ol’ Hank can fix that. When he slips out afterward to fetch her a restorative beverage, he runs into underage and disheveled Mia exiting Ashby’s room. And Hank’s “Ew!” is ours too.