Earlier this year, our friend Jeffrey Wells at Hollywood Elsewhere posited that Ellen Page would not win an Academy Award for Juno simply because she was not fuckable enough (“nothing about her says ‘alluring breeding-age female’” were the exact words). We laughed and laughed — until she lost. So now, when Tom O’Neil says that People’s recent naming of Hugh Jackman as the “Sexiest Man Alive” could hurt his Oscar chances for Australia, we’re quite inclined to take him seriously — is Hugh Jackman too fuckable to win an Academy Award?
Maybe! “Older male Academy members have a long-standing tradition of slapping the stud of the moment when it comes time to hand out hardware,” argues O’Neil. “Jackman certainly checks all the boxes when it comes to qualifying as a stud: rugged good looks, those abs, a dreamy accent, a lovely blonde wife” (also, we hear he’s good with a cattle whip). So how fuckable, exactly, do we want our Oscar winners to be? And is the answer good news or bad news for Frank Langella?
O’Neil also credits hotness-neutralizing accessories like Javier Bardem’s No Country for Old Men haircut and Nicole Kidman’s fake nose in The Hours for helping horny Oscar voters look past their raging boners to appreciate the technicality of the performances. So with Australia’s release a week away, we suppose there’s still time for Baz Lurhmann to digitally give Jackman a Tom Cruise eye patch or something.