With the Super Bowl now just five scant days away, the advertising-sales department over at NBC is still sweating while they figure out how they’re gonna sell the last of their remaining commercials for Sunday. Despite reports that up to 10 percent of their commercial inventory is still available for purchase, their advertising-standards department turned down a presumed $3 million from PETA because an ad the vegetarian crusaders submitted “depicts a level of sexuality exceeding [NBC’s] standards.” As happy as we are that we still live in a world where women simulating sex with vegetables is considered to be something other than family-friendly,* we’re even happier that the publicity-hungry rabble-rousers over at PETA released the letter that NBC Vice President of Advertising Standards (and new Vulture hero) Victoria Morgan sent to the organization along with their rejection. It’s the best thing we’ve read since Infinite Jest.
During the course of the 30-second ad that PETA submitted to NBC, Victoria Morgan objected to the following elements of the commercial:
• licking pumpkin
• touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
• pumpkin from behind between legs [sic]
• rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
• screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
• asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
• licking eggplant
• rubbing asparagus on breast
Someone get this lady a development deal! Our favorite part? When she shunned a word such as “penetrating” and instead went with the far classier verb “screwing.” As much as we love Ben Silverman and his ability to compose awesome e-mails, we think we’d love to see what other radical memos and press conferences Victoria Morgan could come up with if given the opportunity. Fingers crossed she doesn’t have a terrible laugh!
Related: Watch PETA’s Super Bowl Ad
*Wait a few years, that’ll change.