Lost: Sawyered!


Season 5 Episode 8
Conveniently, Sawyer already had terrible hair.

Remember when Sawyer was the Puck of Lost’s Real World — selfish bastard, cared about no one? Well, now he’s a hot golden retriever who glows with love each time he sees a woman deliver a baby. He’s funny. He’s loyal. He’s a big swinging flower.

And God, it’s great. We’ve long favored Sawliet, so this was basically our dream episode — full of spooning and miracle births and Alpert eyeliner jokes! And four-toed statues! And Dharma Merlot, plus time-travel conundrums that were both confusing AND intriguing, plus, muttonchops.

Sawyer and Juliet 2gether 4ever.

Sawyer freaks about the rope sticking into the earth. Juliet suggests they’ve time-traveled back before the well was built; Myles deadpans “way before” — and they’re gazing at the four-toed statue. Dude, whoa.

Meanwhile, Locke cranks the donkey wheel, triggering a monster flash. To Sawyer’s relief, the well returns, but not really: stones, no hole. Also no headaches, no nosebleeds, and Sawyer says they’ll wait for Locke — as long as it takes.

Aaaand: THREE YEARS LATER. Groovy Dharmites get down to Tony Orlando. A nerd (Jimmy Barrett from Mad Men!) whines they’re on the clock, and there’s nervous mention of “La Fleur.”  “Mellow out, Phil, what’s gonna happen?” shrugs Muttonchops. “The polar bears are gonna figure out how to get out of their cages?”

Then something bad pops up on the monitor: Horace (who? I consult Lostpedia: present at Ben’s birth, got Ben’s dad Dharma job, had nosebleeds in Locke’s dream) is drunk as a skunk and tossing dynamite. They run to tell La Fleur. And, our favorite reveal ever: It’s Sawyer. Sonofabitch, indeed.

On the Island
Dharmite Sawyer, a.k.a. La Fleur, is in the van with Miles, i.e., “Enos.” They return Horace to his wife, some pregnant Amy chick, who explains the couple had a fight. “It’ll be on the coconut telegraph by breakfast,” cracks Sawyer. It was about Paul, she explains. And goes into labor, giving us the shivers.

THREE YEARS EARLIER! Ah, so trippy — loving the structure. The Sawyer Gang finds Faraday, who twitches “I’m not gonna tell her,” then explains that Charlotte died and vanished. They’re stuck in the seventies and Faraday’s a weeping basket case.

Sawyer suggests they head to the beach. Miles votes nay, Juliet yay, then Miles snarks, accurately, that they have these two dumb plans: the Orchid, the beach! And who put Sawyer in charge? Suddenly, Sawyer and Juliet delightfully flirt about Sawyer’s “stupid idea.”

Scary banging noises; a fight in the jungle. “Paul, no, we didn’t mean anything,” a woman begs. Miles and Faraday consult: Philosophically, can they interfere? Faraday’s all “whatever happens, happens,” so Sawyer calls him Plato and bum-rushes the execution — which involves a woman with a bag on her head (very Others!). He shoots the baggers. Aaand REVEAL: The bag-head is Amy. “Who are you?” she asks.

There’s an incredibly depressing Schwab ad about the economy.

When we return, Juliet gauges the timeline by the bad jumpsuits. “Our ship wrecked here on the way to Tahiti,” Sawyer B.S.’s. And Amy begs to bury the bodies and bring Paul (her husband) home.

On the way back, the Losties negotiate the Grand Tahiti Lie (“I’m a professional,” notes Sawyer. “I used to lie for a living.”) Then Juliet screams a warning to Faraday: Sonic fence! Amy promises to turn it off, but she’s a lying liar with earplugs, and they’re all twitching like electrocuted turtles.

Three years forward: An OB with the worst hair ever oversees Amy’s terrifying breech delivery — no time to take the sub to the mainland. Sawyer fetches Juliet, now an adorable grease monkey. He begs her to oversee the birth, but she’s understandably tetchy, given her stillbirth-magnet history. He argues that that problem might begin in the future, plus, she’s the only one to help.

As Juliet sparks off ER jargon, Sawyer makes with sexy supportiveness. Then he goes outside to chitchat with a tousled Jin: something about grids and “finding our people.” Crumpling his face in that I’m-a-repentant-con-man way, Sawyer whispers, “As long as it takes.” And the baby is okay! Smiles, everyone.

Aaaand back three years, as Sawyer wakes on the ugliest sofa ever. Horace cross-examines him, so Sawyer describes himself as James La Fleur, captain of a ship searching for the Black Rock, ever heard of it? No, lies (we think) Horace. Sawyer wants to search for his “crew,” but Horace insists on shipping the Losties to Tahiti, ‘cause they’re not “Dharma material.”

In the dark, Juliet waxes melancholic about her Otherly history, while Daniel notes the record is spinning again, they’re just not on the song they want to be on. And ah: A Dharma girl appears! Redheaded! Teeny Charlotte! Sad. Then an alarm blangs, everyone retreats, and peeking through curtains, the Losties witness Richard “Now and Forever” Alpert slouching toward Dharmaville.

Horace joins Alpert on the lawn and the two confer: A truce is broken, Alpert wants his two men. Inside, Miles and Sawyer bicker (Miles is fine with Tahiti, Sawyer calls him “Bonsai”), and Horace returns to worry about the bodies and shout “Call the Arrow, tell them we’re at Condition 1!”

Sawyer name-checks “Your buddy out there with the eyeliner,” and we laugh so hard I have to pause the TiVo. Anyway, Sawyer intervenes, confronting Alpert with evidence they’re not Dharmites: He knows about the bomb and Locke’s visit. It’s the ultimate time-travel mind game and Alpert rides with it — but he still needs some kind of justice and the two make dazzling eye contact. Somewhere, the terrifying subcommunity of Sawyer-Alpert slash-fiction writers grins in unison.

Horace explains to Amy they need her husband’s body, and if she refuses, they’ll suffer the consequences. She weeps, fondles Paul’s ankh necklace, gives him up. “I’m sorry,” murmurs Sawyer. Impressed by Sawyer’s husky whisper, Horace grants them two weeks in Dharmaland.

When Sawyer joins Juliet, she is quietly (almost catatonically) considering going to Tahiti, 1974 or not. But Sawyer complains she’s abandoning him to nutsos and silent Jin, and with sheer charm, he Sawyers her into staying. With their eyebrows, they have virtual sex. “Okay, two weeks,” she says.

Ha: THREE YEARS LATER. Sawyer’s still smiling! He’s picking flowers! He’s drinking Dharma Merlot! It’s all so damned groovy. “Thank you for believing in me,” Juliet says. And kissing! And “I love you!” It’s like a magical panorama set in the Sunshine Family Van.

When Horace emerges from his drunken stupor, Sawyer gives him good news, bad news — he has a son, he missed the birth. Horace explains the fight: He found Paul’s ankh necklace. Is three years enough to get over someone? Sawyer had a thing for a girl once, he confesses — now he can barely remember what she looks like. Three years? Absolutely.

Ah, sweet Sawliet spooning; but when the phone rings, Sawyer freaks. And as he leaves to join Jin, he weirdly doesn’t inform Juliet what’s going on. Van pulls up. Sawyer sees Hurley, Jack, aaaand yes — coldhearted Freckles herself. We hear their love theme.

C’mon now, man. We’re over Kate after just one episode. Can’t you be too?

What We Know Now
• For three years in the seventies, the gang was part of the Dharma Initiative.
• The Dharma folk and the Hostiles had some kind of truce.
• You know, did we actually learn anything else? It was a great episode, but it didn’t add major new information, and we’re cool with that.

The Wha? Factor
• What were Paul and Amy doing that antagonized the hostiles? Who will that new Lost Baby turn out to be? And wait, didn’t Horace have an earlier wife, Olivia?
• Where’s everyone else — Rose, Bernard, Vincent?
• Ben should be in Dharmatown circa 1977, right? About age 10, and easily killable. Just saying.

Lost: Sawyered!