The L Word: No Baby Onboard

How are they going to do it? How are they going to tie up all these loose ends by next week, when the show ends for good? Beats us, but at least this episode had good costumes, dance competitions, and the much-appreciated absence of Sad Max. “Last Couple Standing” takes place mostly at the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center dance marathon that Alice helped organize. We get to see Alice, Tasha, and Jamie costumed as “Push It”-era Salt-’n’-Pepa; Kit dressed up as Pam Grier dressed up as Foxy Brown; and Marlee Matlin unleashing some of those magic moves she picked up on “Dancing with the Stars.” Though she did dance, we did not get Jennifer Beals pulling some Flashdance stunts, which we consider a lost opportunity. C’mon, all she needed was a chair and some water — how hard could it be?

Tina is offered a job in New York City working for filmmaker James Schamus; she and Bette mull over the move. We say, DO IT! This would so make a better spinoff than that whole jail plan that Ilene Chaiken has cooking on the side burner. Then again, most people in Los Angeles think New York is a jail. At least that’s what they tell themselves.

Jenny confronts Bette about what she thought she saw through her window the night after the gallery party and insinuates that that she’s going to tell Tina. Later, Jodi tells Bette that Jenny has spilled the beans and that Kelly had confirmed the rumor to her. For once, Bette is innocent, and we kind of feel bad for her.

Because Nevada is a state that won’t let gay people adopt kids, Bette and Tina invite their intended birth mother to come and stay with them so the baby can be born in Los Angeles. But when the bus pulls up that’s supposed to deliver the birth mother, she’s not onboard. Don’t fret, B&T — there’s a baby about to pop next door and it has your names all over it.

Despite the fact that Nikki left Shane hurling all over herself in the dark room, she wants more, and the two go at it in the bathroom at the dance marathon. We tend to avoid the thing we last ate that made us sick, but that’s us. Jenny gets wind of it and sets up some classic Schecterfreude whereby she convinces Nikki to auction herself up on the stage at the marathon and then buys her for $25,000 so she can publicly give her to Shane.

Dylan’s back. She and Helena hold hands and neck and if we’re lucky, maybe we’ll get some more eerily quiet and uncomfortably awkward sex between these two crammed into the final episode.

The L Word: No Baby Onboard