If you thought Megan Joy’s tuneless cover of Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low” was the most painful thing you saw on Fox last night, well, you must not have stuck around for Osbournes Reloaded. We did, but then again, we had little choice in the matter. From the frenetically paced outset (20 cuts in the first 30 seconds!) and hilariously fake loud crowd noises added in post, it was evident from the get-go that the program was going to be lacking any sort of redemptive “so bad it’s good” moments. Instead, we had the misfortune of sitting through (read: fast-forwarding) clunker skits like the woefully out-of-date “Little Osbournes” (a ripoff of last fall’s Little O’Reilly meme); a segment where a bald, blindfolded lothario-type broseph unknowingly French-kissed a grandmother; and, for some reason, a bit where Ozzy re-created the dance-audition scene from Flashdance (complete with farts and requisite middle fingers).
Unfortunately, because this aired on Fox, things were bound to get worse. The show’s primary gag involved forcing another emotionally challenged bald guy to decide whether to marry his poor, equally emotionally challenged girlfriend live on the air. We actually felt some empathy for the poor potential bride, mainly because she seemed like she was going to break into tears at any moment, but then we remembered that she was the one who masterminded this sneak-attack wedding — complete with both of their families onstage — in the first place. The whole thing felt like a cheap setup, particularly when the sham pastor failed to attach the word “lawfully” into the “wedded bride” part of the vows, and we actually found ourselves wishing that Mike Darnell would’ve inserted more of a Moment of Truth type of moment into this woeful production. Instead, the two got “married,” but we’re pretty sure that neither this couple nor the Osbournes have a “happily ever after” in their futures.
For posterity’s sake, here’s the awful intro (not surprisingly, none of the other clips have found their way onto YouTube):