american idol

American Idol: Funeral for a Friend

American Idol

Top Three Perform
Season 8 Episode 37

Frequent readers of our blog will know that we’re no fans of smoldering, soft-rocking American Idol heartthrob Kris Allen (in fact, we’ve been waiting to use our idea for the above photo illustration for nearly two months now). Even so, we’ll readily admit that his solo acoustic performance of Kanye West’s “Heartless” was the clear highlight of last night’s episode, one otherwise marred by the standard banshee-like wailings of Adam Lambert and the usual Gokey-throated caterwauling. Too bad Kris will almost certainly be sent home tonight.

So what happened last night?

Danny Gokey
Danny hit the stage first with a version of Terence Trent D’Arby’s “Dance Little Sister,” ordered by Paula Abdul. In addition to all anticipated raspiness, vocals were borderline pitchy, though the judges were more offended by the bad dancing and worse sax solo. Lucky for Danny, though, Jesus himself, in a touching display of solidarity, beamed down from heaven to back him on his second song, “You Are So Beautiful,” which Simon generously hailed as a “vocal master class.”

Kris Allen
Randy and Kara attempted to facilitate next week’s inevitable Adam-Danny screech-off finale by choosing One Republic’s dull single, “Apologize,” for doomed Kris. “Competent!” raved Simon, who, like everyone, figured Kris had earned himself a bus ticket back to obscurity. Nevertheless, Kris came back out and performed Kanye’s “Heartless” with just his guitar, his voice, and way fewer silly facial expressions than usual. Sad that he had to pick this week, of all weeks, to win us over, since he will definitely go home tonight. “I had written you out, but that’s changed after that performance,” said a cruel Simon (who surely must know what’s going to happen tonight).

Adam Lambert
Simon informed us that he’d begged Bono personally for Adam’s right to shriek all over U2’s “One” on last night’s show. This season’s presumptive winner sang it better than Bono but worse than Mary J. Blige over an arrangement he and Simon had apparently worked out together. (Simon enjoyed it.) Next, Adam sang Aerosmith’s “Cryin’,” which, truthfully, wasn’t bad.

So, barring some minor miracle, Kris will be sent home tonight and forgotten forever, paving the way for the most earache-inducing finale in Idol history. Here’s an audio-only clip of “Heartless” to remember him by (until YouTube takes it down sometime in the next few minutes):

American Idol: Funeral for a Friend