Public Enemies Latest to Prove Johnny Depp’s Lack of Sex Appeal
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Public Enemies Latest to Prove Johnny Depp’s Lack of Sex Appeal

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Cry Baby, 1990

Love Object: Amy Locane as the high school square who falls hard for Depp's bad boy, Cry-Baby Walker.
In His Defense: It's a spoof by John Waters. But it does set up the dilemma that will continue: Depp inspires adolescent mooning, not full-blown, adult lust.
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Edward Scissorhands, 1990

Love Object: Winona Ryder as Kim, the popular girl Depp's deeply sensitive freak adores.
In His Defense: It's hard to be sexy with scissors for hands -- not to mention channeling asexual director Tim Burton.
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What's Eating Gilbert Grape, 1993

Love Object: Juliette Lewis as free spirit Becky, who provides some hope for Gilbert and the caretaking older brother of Leonardo Di Caprio (in full retard).
In his Defense: Again with the ultrasensitive character. Also the beginning of Depp's prettier-than-his-co-star problem -- another eternal dilemma.
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Ed Wood, 1994

Love Object: Sarah Jessica Parker as Dolores Fuller, girlfriend of Depp's dubiously straight Wood -- a.k.a. the worst movie director of all time.
In His Defense: Wood's a cross-dresser (and sadly, as played by Depp, more feminine than Parker).
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Benny & Joon, 1993

Love Object: Mary Stuart Masterson as mentally ill Joon, who finds love with Depp's quirky Sam.
In His Defense: Eccentricity (at least the kind that involves channeling silent-film star Buster Keaton) does not produce hot sex.
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Donnie Brasco, 1997

Love Object: Anne Heche as Brasco's neglected and beleaguered mob wife.
In His Defense: Anne Heche. Still, his first role as a man, rather than a man-child, never adds up to the machismo necessary for ba-da-bing.
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The Astronaut's Wife, 1999

Love Object: Charlize Theron as Jillian Armacost, the wife of the astronaut, Depp, who may now be an ... alien!!!
In His Defense: Nothing we can think of. Theron is more of a man than Depp.
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Sleepy Hollow, 1999

Love Object: Depp's policeman, Ichabod Crane, attempts to win the heart of Christina Ricci's Katrina Van Tassel while investigating ghoulish decapitations in her small town.
In his defense: Another Tim Burton wimp, and, once again, prettier than his co-star.
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Before Night Falls, 2000

Love Object: Depp plays two roles -- a tranny named Bon Bon and sadistic prison official Lieutenant Victor, who is obsessed with Javier Bardem's imprisoned and gay poet.
In His Defense: Oddly, it took another cross-dressing role (and Javier Bardem) to jack up the heat. For the first time, Depp is sexy -- and especially as a woman.
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Chocolat, 2000

Love Object: River drifter Roux beds Juliette Binoche, as bodacious shop owner Vianne Rocher, who transforms an uptight French town with her chocolate and compassion.
In His Defense: He met his current partner, Vanessa Paradis, around the time he was making this film and Before Night Falls, so maybe we have her to thank for his short-lived virility. Binoche doesn't hurt either.
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From Hell, 2001

Love Object: In tracking down Jack the Ripper, Depp's opium-eating Scotland Yard inspector falls for comely whore Mary Kelly (Heather Graham).
In His Defense: He's stoned for half of the film.
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The Libertine, 2004

Love Objects: As seventeenth-century sexual cad and poet the Earl of Rochester, Depp debauches his way to an early grave, bedding half the female population of London in the process.
In His Defense: Plays a cad, yes, but of the foppy, drunken, British variety. Still, with all those heaving breasts, he should have hit this one out of the park.
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Finding Neverland, 2004

Love Object: As married author J.M. Barrie, Depp pines for a widowed mother of four boys, played by Kate Winslet.
In His Defense: Barrie was the man who created Peter Pan, the character that inspired a not terribly sexual man-child syndrome. So, perfect casting!
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Public Enemies, 2009

Love Object: Marion Cotillard plays Billie Frechette, the motivating passion (at least according to this film) of charismatic gangster John Dillinger.
In His Defense: Not much of a character to work with. Yet at 46, the actor still has trouble pulling off a credible sex scene. Depp seems to get it, though: In his next five films (including his role as the Mad Hatter in Burton's Alice in Wonderland), he's back to playing Uber-oddballs.

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