We will be the first to admit that the glories of HBO’s True Blood are many; after we worked our way through the first few bumpy episodes of the show’s debut season, we quickly became addicted to the many charms of Alan Ball’s soapy dramedy. But even though our allegiance is strong, we can’t help but admit that there are a few things about the program that rankle us on a near weekly basis. As fans, we do our best to push these concerns to the side, but after nineteen episodes, we couldn’t hold them in any longer.
1. Bill deserves a hotter maker. The women on True Blood are a mixed bag. The majority fall just short of knockout — like the B versions of the A-list. But the most egregious is Mariana Klaveno, who plays Lorena, the vampire who made Bill. Surely in all of Hollywood there was a more seductive actress to play a woman who says, among other things: “People would die to be with me for one night.” Where are the female equivalents of Bill and Eric on this show?
2. The special effects suck. And we don’t mean in the vampire sense! Case in point: the supremely cheesy shaky thing Maryann does when she’s going into one of her trances. It’s like when the crew would simulate turbulence by throwing themselves around the deck of the Starship Enterprise on the original Star Trek. Also, that vampire hotel? We wholeheartedly concur with Gabe’s assessment of the situation over at Videogum: “It makes sense that Vampire Bill would want to stay in the Vampire Hotel forever. It is conveniently located at the intersection of Ha-ha Boulevard and Photoshop Street.” This is supposed to be premium cable, people, not the SyFy network!
3. The god-awful accents. We are cognizant that part of the appeal of the show comes from its campy nature, but that doesn’t excuse the cast from sounding like they’re still working their way through their Accents and Dialects for Stage and Screen CDs. In particular, Anna Paquin’s vocal performance as Sookie Stackhouse will go down alongside Kathy Bates’s (admittedly hilarious) vocal mannerisms in The Waterboy as some of the most contrived and false-sounding Cajun accents of all time.
4. The whole Jessica-Hoyt relationship. We realize she’s a vampire, but at the same time she’s still just 16 years old, and he’s 28. Doesn’t matter that he’s a virgin — it still gives us the creeps, and not in a cute Harold and Maude kind of way. When we saw them cuddling in bed last week, we couldn’t help but wonder if the statutory-rape laws of the state of Louisiana have been amended since vampires were introduced into society. Also, like Bill with Lorena, couldn’t Jessica do better than this lunkhead?
5. Bill’s chalky-white pallor. So, yes, we get that vampires are deathly pale until they feed. But how come Bill’s skin never warms up? Every time we see his face, we can’t help but think that he could use a powdered wig to go along with that powdered face, kind of like Tom Hulce in Amadeus. Couldn’t someone please introduce him to spray tanner?