Do you guys want to know a secret about what happens on the sets of TV shows when you get a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers together? Okay, we’ll clue you in, but only if you promise that you won’t go spilling the beans to your friends with loose lips. Okay, gather round, lean in close, here goes: Sometimes the teenagers … wait for it … kiss each other! And other times, they … wait for it … smoke some pot! And, on rare occasions (meaning days that end with the letter “Y”), sometimes they do both of those things at the same time! It’s shocking, we know, and probably falls outside of the realm of behavior of any teenagers you know or grew up with, but boy oh boy, sometimes those Hollywood celebs really revel in living life in the fast lane!*
So, if you are desperately in search of otherworldly tales of teens doing teenage things like making out and smoking pot, you should definitely check out Dustin Diamond’s not-at-all predictable (and by that, we mean totally predictable) tell-all, Behind the Bell, some of the details of which were exclusively revealed to Us Weekly today.
You know what? After reading this boring drivel, we no longer feel quite as bad that poor Screech got Photoshopped off the cover of People magazine.
The details are nowhere near as lurid as we had imagined when we first learned of the project last year. “I could smell a certain ‘smoke,’ wafting from from the crack [of the door of other cast members’ dressing rooms],” Diamond pens in one of the most boring sentences we’ve ever read in a tell-all book. He also writes that Kelly Kapowski might have fooled around with A.C. Slater and that Zack Morris might have kissed Jessie Spano, but he doesn’t offer any eyewitness accounts of said hookups. The biggest bombshell is that his co-star official Jimmy Fallon nemesis Mark-Paul Gosselaar, may have been using steroids before Saved by the Bell: The College Years, but again, he’s not sure.
*For those of you who may be new to Vulture, that paragraph utilized a little-known literary device known in some circles as sarcasm. You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog reading.