There are some things that we, as a society, hold up as immutable truths: The sun will come up tomorrow, two plus two equals four, and Robert Pattinson is the hunkiest piece of British vampire meat who’s ever been born. However, after reading the preview of the new Vanity Fair cover story on Robert Pattinson who cares that he’s barely in the new movie! earlier this morning, we found ourselves rocked to the core when we discovered that the producers of the first Twilight film were not entirely convinced that Pattinson was dreamy enough to inhabit the sparkle-chested character of Edward Cullen. Even more upsetting? Pattinson himself didn’t want to take his shirt off during his audition with Kristen Stewart and director Catherine Hardwicke!
While the whole article is sadly not yet available online, some previews have made their way to the Vanity Fair website. Below, director Catherine Hardwicke (who, you’ll recall, was fired from the New Moon project in favor of some penis-having dude) recalls the feedback she got from studio executives when she first put the name Robert Pattinson in front of them:
“They called me up and they literally said, ‘Catherine, do you think you can make this guy look good?’ So I said, ‘Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get his hair back to a different color, do a different style. He would work with a trainer from now on. My cinematographer is great with lighting. He will study the cheekbones, and I promise you, we’ll make the guy look good.’ ”
Can you believe the nerve of these jokers? “Can you make this guy look good?” Harrumph! We can only hope that Hardwicke replied with “does a bear shit in the woods?” which has long been one of our tried-and-true chestnuts for when people ask us stupid questions (frankly, it happens all the time). The man has resplendent cheekbones and insanely perfect hair, but, as it turns out, his confidence can be lacking at times. Pattinson tells author Evgenia Peretz that he “dreaded having to take his shirt off” and make out with Kristen Stewart during his audition, for he had been “getting drunk for a year” and felt like a blob. Fortunately, Hardwicke recognized their undeniable chemistry and the “complex, intense fascination” they have with each other, and cast Pattinson as Edward Cullen. We hate to think what would’ve happened had someone else been cast as Edward, but we’re pretty sure it would look something like this.