Thirty-Four Ways New Moon the Movie Is Better Than New Moon the Book
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Thirty-Four Ways New Moon the Movie Is Better Than New Moon the Book

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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Let's start with the obvious: Taylor Lautner cannot keep his shirt on in this movie. For example, when Bella falls off a motorcycle, needless to say, Jacob has his shirt off in like five seconds. He's basically Matthew McConaughey.
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Photo: Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
Seriously, there is so much shirtless Jacob. You see his abs so often you can pick out your favorite! This is ours.
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Photo: Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
Or wait, maybe this one.
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Photo: Getty
As David Edelstein so accurately points out, it's the shrieking fans that make the New Moon experience what it is. Happily, Chris Weitz knows this, so — like a Broadway director making sure Patti LuPone's entrance is a grand one, so she can earn her 30 seconds of entrance applause — he lets Edward appear onscreen for the first time strutting toward the camera in slow motion, his brown hair tousled just EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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Photo: FaeLuna Gifts</>
Meanwhile, to remind forgetful viewers that Jacob is Native American, they have him give Bella a dreamcatcher in his first scene — which is a more subtle bit of screenwriting than having him perform a rain dance, we guess.
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Photo: Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
We don't mean to give this ab short shrift. It is spectacular, sure.
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The movie, thank God, dispenses with most of the speeches like this.
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment, Wikimedia Commons
In fact, unlike in the novel, there are jokes! Self-aware ones, even. We liked Bella seeing Jacob's new ripped torso and cracking, "You know, steroids are really bad for you."
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment, Istock Photo
Plus, someone tells Bella she needs to eat a little bit more — "Get some protein in there!"
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
And our favorite joke: "This may hurt just a little."
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment; Wikimedia; iStockphoto
Dakota Fanning, who makes that joke, is awesomely intimidating as Jane, the Volturi's pint-size enforcer — like a red-eyed Homecoming Queen from hell.
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Photo: Zazzle user jduck21623
In general, the Volturi are so great that we've already gone ahead and ordered this T-shirt.
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Photo: Miramax, Summit Entertainment
It's pretty fun to watch Michael Sheen play Aro as Tony Blair with longer hair.
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Whoa! Tony Blair rips a dude's head off!
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: iStockphoto, Summit Entertainment, Wikimedia Commons
It should be noted that the Volturi are slightly less terrifying once you hear the Muzak celestial chorus in their elevator.
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
And Volturi Marcus — described in the book as having "the exquisite face of a seraph" — looks in the movie more like, you know, some guy. Knowing that at least one vampire couldn't pass as a model makes us feel better about our chances.
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Photo: Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
You know, we've been thinking about it, and this ab is actually the best of them all. It's winking at us! "Hi, I'm Jacob's ab! What's up?"
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Whoa, that's some Spider-Man shit there.
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In the book, Jessica is an annoying shrew. But in the movie, she's played by Up in the Air's future Oscar nominee Anna Kendrick, and she makes the most of her one scene, griping about the zombie movie that Bella drags her to. "Is it supposed to be about leprosy?" she complains. "My cousin had leprosy, and it was gross."
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Hilariously, someone told Kristen Stewart that this thing with her eyebrow looks sultry.
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For those of you on Team Edward who were annoyed about how we don't see your pasty-faced hero between pages 73 and 451 of New Moon, Chris Weitz provides some sweet Ghost Edward action, which doesn't seem any dumber than the psycho voice-overs Bella hears in her head in the book.
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In the movie, you get to see the latest in smudge-free lipstick technology — worn by Kristen Stewart and by Robert Pattinson!
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Speaking of great makeup, Kristen Stewart's eyeliner is still perfect, even when she almost drowns.
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Just like in the previous movie, Bella and Edward get to do some soulful staring, but this time it's underwater, obviously.
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment, Barry Burris flickr
Edward recites Shakespeare, for those of you who enjoy swooning.
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Photo: Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
Once again, the Cullens have a lot of hilarious art all over their house. Check out the knockoff Gerhard Richter!
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment, Wikimedia Commons, Getty
Bella, Jacob, and poor Mike — who didn't even make it into this photo! — attend an awesome-sounding movie called Facepunch. (Tagline: "Let's do this!") This selection beats out Mike's suggested alternative, a romantic comedy called Love Spelled Backwards Is Love.
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Photo: New Line
Blessedly, in adapting an action-free book, screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has inserted as many fights as possible. So franchise-wrecker Chris Weitz gets to restage the best part of The Golden Compass, the bear fight, but this time with wolves.
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
We get a little of Laurent versus the werewolves ...
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
... and Victoria stalking Charlie ...
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
... and a whole terrific Edward-versus-Volturi marble-crackin' battle.
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
Is a Volturi gonna have to choke a bitch?
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: iStockphoto; Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
Once the movie's over, you can go to a nearby bar and hear, as we did, middle-aged ladies violently arguing about whether they are on Team Jacob or Team Edward.
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Photo: Mary-Louise Price; Photos: Summit Entertainment, Istock Photo
And, of course, don't forget that awesome endEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

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