Way back in 2003, MTV produced an episode of its long-running True Life series called “I Have a Summer Share.” In it, the world was introduced to Tommy and Anthony, two North Jersey goombas who spent their summer weekends traveling 75 exits down the Garden State Parkway from Whippany to the breathtaking trashy paradise of Seaside Heights on the Jersey Shore, a town Tommy dubbed “the biggest meat market in the world.” Considering the show reached the sort of sublime heights rarely seen in the reality-television world, it’s shocking that it took the brain trust at MTV some six years to realize that there was so much voyeuristic awesomeness on display during that solitary hour of television that they should make a whole series out of it. Well, the network finally got their act together and debuted not one but two hour-long episodes of Jersey Shore last night. Over the course of those 120 minutes, no less than ten stunning new catchphrases were born. So won’t you join along as we count them down?
10. “Anybody know how to peel garlic?” —Mike “the Situation”
After a lifetime of growing up in Italian households, you would think that someone in the cast of eight guidos and guidettes would’ve hovered over their mothers’ shoulders at one point and learned how to peel garlic. Sadly, you would be wrong.
9. “You have your penis pierced. I love it.” —Jenni “JWOWW”
After housemates Pauly D and Jenni “JWOWW” found themselves a little bit buzzed and falling prey to the always romantic strains of house music at club Karma [Side Note: We’re strongly considering hitting up Google Maps and making a road trip there this weekend], they made their way back to the share and started making out. It was there and then that we learned that “the party’s in Pauly D’s pants tonight” (his words, not ours), and that said party was pierced.
8. “I feel like this is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.” —Angelina “Jolie”
We’ve all been in a position at one time or another when we’ve felt like our unique talents might be going overlooked in the workplace. However, we imagine that only a small fraction of you ever had this epiphany while putting airbrushed tank tops on hangers in a souvenir T-shirt joint on the boardwalk. Thanks to Angelina, though, we can now all empathize with her plight. She’s sort of like the Erin Brockovich of Shore Store.
7. “Tits are coming out tonight.” —JWOWW
6. “Time to get some Ron Ron Juice in my system.” —Ronnie
We couldn’t agree more! Budding mixologists, take note: Ron Ron Juice contains watermelon slices, cherries, ice, some cranberry juice, a few splashes of Body Heat by BODman cologne, a teaspoon of indoor tanning lotion, a liquor of your choosing, and some Nonoxynol-9 for good measure.
5. “Holy shit, I think I’ve got pinkeye.” —Vinnie
Poor Vinnie didn’t have much to do in last night’s episode, but after freaking an overweight woman (one, mind you, who was smart enough not to sign a release form to use her image) at club Karma, he woke up with pinkeye. As Ronnie explained to him the next morning, “That’s what you get for putting a fat girl’s ass in your face.” Truer words have never been spoken. Pinkeye is the new swine flu.
[Side Note: We sincerely hope someone at the venerable Johnson & Johnson company was paying attention when someone (we’re not sure who) said, “We gotta get Purell in this house” in the wake of the pinkeye incident. Sounds like a perfect sponsorship opportunity; don’t let it go to waste. Makers of Plan B, that goes for you, too.]
4. “It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.” —Pauly D
Move over Jonathan Lipnicki, there’s a new obscure fact-spewing guido in town! Also, considering that the human head weighs eight pounds, this factoid passes the common-sense sniff test.
3. “I feel like eating ham and drinking water. Ham. [*raspberry noise*]” —JWOWW
After cheating on her boyfriend for the second night in a row, JWOWW decided it was time to pull the ripcord and get her late-night munchies on. Entering the confessional room with a fistful of Deli Fresh ham — yet another sponsorship opportunity that MTV failed to seize! — she instantly ushered in a new era of carb-free late-night snacking. Genius.
2. “I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.” —Angelina
In the hierarchy of Things That Guidos Care About, there are only a few items that supercede their hair: their fake tans, their muscles, and their mothers. However, Mike “the Situation” nearly got his precious do scalped after insulting his housemate Angelina “Jolie” by telling her she needed to lose five or ten pounds. Sadly, Angelina never followed through on her promise. Well, at least not in this episode. Fingers crossed for retaliation in a future episode!
1. “I love the Situation.” —Mike “the Situation”
And now, so does America! You see, our boy Mike has dubbed himself “the Situation,” which provides him with the opportunity to lift up his shirt and display his rippling abdominal muscles at a moment’s notice simply by asking women, “Do you love the Situation?” while pointing at his six-pack. You might think this outright display of peacocking wouldn’t work in a post-Mystery world, but surprisingly, it works like gangbusters. Not only do women coo and fawn in his presence, he was able to sell multiple factions of guidettes booty shorts emblazoned with his catchphrase, quickly proving himself to be one of America’s all-time greatest salesmen. Could “I love the Situation” be the new “Eat my shorts, man”? Quite possibly!
Honorable Mentions: “Don’t bring dirty girls back.” — Uncredited; “I don’t give a fuck if you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re 45 years old, I’ll dance with you.” — Vinnie; “I wanna pound out every girl in Seaside.” — Ronnie