Well, well, well: Last night sure was an embarrassment of Jersey Shore riches, wasn’t it? For reasons that we still do not entirely understand, MTV decided to air not one, but TWO new episodes of the show that’s swept the nation. Not that we’re complaining, mind you! We just hope you have it in you to digest two separate recaps today. Don’t worry, we’ll space them out a bit so as not to overwhelm your senses. But for now, it’s time to dive right in!
10. “It’s A.C., bitch. What happens in the A.C., stays in the A.C.” —Nicole “Snooki”
Certainly not Snooki’s finest quote of the season, but she earns points for the way she was able to seamlessly paraphrase both the primary tag line of The O.C. and the travel slogan of Las Vegas.
9. “You should come see the Holy Land. It’s beautiful. It’s Jerusalem, dude!” —Daniella
Speaking of travel slogans, if this doesn’t start appearing in Israeli travel ads within the next few months, it will be indisputable evidence that their minister of travel is asleep at the wheel.
8. “The only thing we care about is gettin’ girls. Gettin’ girls and goin’ to the gym.” —Mike “the Situation”
Wait a second, what happened to the tanning and laundry parts of GTL? We’re a bit confused, but ultimately, we forgive the Situation for forgetting two of the three branches of the Holy Trinity of Guidodom. After all, he was just trying to calm Sammi and Ronnie Sweetheart down after a night of brawling on the boardwalk.
7. “I don’t personally have my own farm. I work on a farm.” —Keith
This quote came courtesy of Keith, the “Irish Cowboy” that
Shnickers Snooki picks up at the bar one night. We can only imagine what sort of lamebrain pickup line Keith originally went with before having to issue this hilarious retraction. Still, it didn’t matter, as Snooks spent the night (but didn’t have sex!) with him. No big whoops, because as we all know, “He’s gotta be clean.”
6. “If you look at me, you think I’m, like, a stuck-up bitch. But yet, like, veterinarian. Like, that’s my zone. I save animals. That’s what I do.” —Nicole “Snooki”
To our ears, there was something strangely David Brent–esque in the manner in which Snooks delivered this line. Perhaps it was the staccato phrasing? Either way, we love the way that the Poughkeepsie Princess described her chosen profession. Not as much as the dearly departed Angelina described hers (“I’m a bartender, I do great things”), mind you, but still …
5. “I gotta stop watching because it’s turning me on.” —Vinny’s Girl Tanya
Um, gross! Though, in fairness to the perpetually skanky Tanya, this was clearly meant to be a hint for Vinny to take her off the hammock, sweep her off her feet, and pound her out, Sleazeside style. And believe it or not, we actually respect the young Vincenzo for not taking her up on her offer.
4. “If you’re gonna watch me the whole time while I’m in a jacuzzi with a girl. Did you go in the shower afterwards and play with yourself?” —Mike “the Situation”
Tensions between the Situation and Vinny reached their apex this week. Mike was mercilessly teasing the young Vincenzo for not being able to seal the deal with the skankbot, explaining to him that, “You’re sexually frustrated, bro. Let it out in the shower.” However, Vinny got his revenge later in the episode when the Situation’s little sister snuck her way down to his bed. Advantage Vincenzo!
3. “Fake boobs, nice butt, said she was a model.” —Vinny
Funny he should say that, because those are the exact same qualities that we are looking for in our future wives.
2. “I committed the robbery.” —Mike “the Situation”
As we mentioned above, the situation between the Situation and Vinny Pinkeye nearly came to a head at Providence when Mike stole the aforementioned “fake boobs, nice butt, said she was a model” chick from young Vincenzo. While Vinny tried his best to convince the gang that the Situation hadn’t done anything other than steal his sloppy seconds, we tend to agree with Mike’s assessment that the woman wasn’t exactly feeling his young roommate’s style. Advantage Situation!
1. “I don’t understand that religion, what it is. I just wanna get to the business.” —Pauly D
Here’s the thing we love about Pauly D. Even though he ceded the spotlight to all of the other castmates during this episode, he was still able to hook up with two different girls. More importantly, if the citizens of the world were able to drop their prejudices and adopt Pauly’s free-love philosophy, we’re pretty sure that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict could be solved by month’s end.
— Juice Springsteen