As promised, we gave you a few hours to digest the first of last night’s two Jersey Shore recaps. And since it’s nearly closing time on a Friday afternoon, we suggest you fire up the house music, take a few seconds to beat up the beat, and feast on Part Two!
10. “That’s one shot. That’s one shot, kid. That’s one shot!” —Ronnie Sweetheart
Everyone knows that the first rule of summering on Sleazeside Heights is “Never fall in love on the Jersey Shore.” We’d like to propose a second, equally important rule: “Never antagonize Ronnie Sweetheart when he’s got a belly full of Ron-Ron juice coursing through his system.” Seriously, of all the Jersey Shore cast members, why would anyone decide to pick a fight with the burly Ronnie?
9. “I will toss her out like the trash, real quick.” —Mike “the Situation”
After the Situation got clocked by J-WOWW, he exploded with a flurry of insults against one of the toughest broads to ever make her way through the A.C. All of which got us thinking, “Hmmm, remember when MTV would automatically kick people off of their reality shows if they punched another cast member?” Guess that rule went out the door. This can only mean great things for Real World/Road Rules Challenge!
8. “If you leave, I’m going to stuff your fucking nose with tampons.” —Snooki
That’s what we love about Snooks. She’s not above threatening her roommates (in this case, J-WOWW) with mild acts of violence if they threaten to bolt from Shore before their time. Fortunately, Snooki didn’t have to make good on her promise, as J-WOWW’s desire to leave proved to be even less authentic than her rack.
7. “I figured she’d love the nice aroma of sliced, uh, dirty pickles.” —Mike “the Situation”
Did it really take eight episodes for the producers to casually mention to the cast that they should pull some sort of prank? Usually, these things happen in the first week or so of co-habitation, but in this case, it seems that familiarity bred contempt. Everyone knows that Snooks is like “on a whole ‘nother level on pickles,” so we definitely approve of this prank on every level.
6. “What did the five fingers say to the face? [Smack]” —Mike “the Situation”
Ah, Situation: The man who launched a thousand catchphrases. Our only issue with him is that he seems to be all bark, no bite. When is Mike gonna throw down?
5. “I closed that deal a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing. You know what I mean? C’mon, bro.” —Ronnie Sweetheart
This kind of lingo makes us think that Ron Ron has a future as a mortgage broker. We only hope that Sammi “Sweetheart” doesn’t foreclose on his heart.
4. “That hater juice is best served cold.” —Mike “the Situation”
There’s nothing we enjoy more than a good, old-fashioned mixed metaphor. And if you’re ever interested in making your own batch of hater juice, here are the ingredients that you’ll need: Some Parmesan cheese, “this much” milk, Caesar dressing, some mayo and, of course, some of
Shnickers Snooki’s pickle juice.
3. “She’s mad weird, that chick.” —Pauly D
The Pauly D stalker subplot has got to be one of our favorite things that happened this year on Jersey Shore. After his Israeli ladyfriend made him a T-shirt that said “I heart Jewish girls” (complete with an Italian flag!), Pauly started to figure out that she was a real Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction type. However, even a nasty phone conversation didn’t stop him from hooking up with her a few days later.
2. “I told him to put me down because I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much.” —Nicole “Snooki”
Our gal Snooks managed to rendezvous once again with Cowboy Keith, her Sleazeside soul mate. While we’re not entirely sure if this romance was able to last, there’s a part of us that really wishes it won’t. After all, who wouldn’t want to see the dating show Snookin’ For Love come to a television screen near you?
1. “Have I got girls every day? Have they not been pretty? Some days no, some days yes.” —Mike “the Situation”
See, for all of the braggadocio that the Sitch has thrown down over the course of the last eight episodes, it would be impossible to label the man as delusional. Rather, he’s perfectly self-aware and, by actually admitting something as potentially embarrassing as this (can you say “Hippos”?), he displays that he’s aware of his own shortcomings. This is just one of the thousands of reasons that we’re proud to admit that we, too, love the Situation.
Until next week! (Which, unfortunately, looks like it might be the season finale! Noooooo!)
— Juice Springsteen