Your friendly Vulture editors are not above admitting that we do, in fact, watch the occasional episode of The Bachelor. But while we haven’t really been regular viewers of the show since the Bob Guiney days, when we heard the scuttlebutt that one of the contestants on this go-round was making the beast with two backs with one of the show’s producers, we figured it might be worth tuning in to see if we could decipher which hottie went rogue on the (extremely boring) new bachelor, Jake Pavelka. So, if you would, please join along for a round of highly speculative and not-at-all-fact-based gossipmongering about which lady stepped out on Mr. Top Gun.
If our math is correct, after last night’s eliminations, there are now fifteen women vying for the chance to sleep with the poor man’s Sully Sullenberger. Although we have zero knowledge of any of these ladies other than what we saw last night, we feel like the following women can be eliminated from our tawdry game (but feel free to correct us if you feel otherwise): Ali (our personal front-runner!), Ashley (previews have her cussing out the infidel), Corrie (we don’t think she’s going to make it very far), Ella (he would’ve given this single mom the boot last night but he didn’t want to come off like a dick), Jessie (not his type, won’t last long enough), Kathryn (too sweet), Michelle (she’s super psychopants for bachelor Jake already, so no way she’s blowing her chance), Tenley (too much of a prude), and Valishia (again, not his type). After eliminating those women, we’re left with the following possible culprits:
The “Maybe After a Few Too Many Glasses of Champagne” Girls:
• Vienna: She was bawling her eyes out during the full-season preview. Now, granted, this moment could’ve come from any point in the season, but she did look pretty guilty …
• Ashleigh: Did you see the dress she was wearing last night? HELLO!
• Christina: She’s the one who brought out the basket of runner-up treats. She seemed pretty devious and really into being on TV. We wouldn’t put it past her.
The Probable Culprits:
• Gia: This “swimsuit model” (*cough* stripper *cough*) has bad news written all over her. We don’t see her as having any qualms with sleeping her way to the top.
• Elizabeth (from Nebraska): She’s very pretty and all, but there’s something about her that we just don’t trust. Also, she got a pretty bad boob job, so that means that she doesn’t exactly have the best judgment.
• Rozlyn: Two words for you … Crazy Eyes! In our experience, those are always a good indicator of someone who’ll stray at the drop of a hat. Plus, she lists her occupation as a “model/makeup artist.” Aren’t people usually either one or the other?
So, are we right or are we right? Let us know who you’ve got your money on in the comments below.