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Stay Away From Pool Parties at Bruce Willis’s House

“If [my daughters] bring a little group of guys over to the house to have a pool party or whatever, I just say, ‘Dude, what’s your name?’ And he says, ‘Uh, Cinjun.’ I say, ‘Cinjun, you’re in charge. If anything happens to one of my daughters, I’m coming to you first, and then I’m going to kill all your friends right in front of you, and you’ll be last.’” —Bruce Willis [Men’s Journal via Fark]

“I kiss Jennifer Garner in [Valentine’s Day] but we already kissed each other in Dude, Where’s My Car? If you watch someone kill someone in a movie, you don’t think they’re an actual murderer. You don’t think: ‘Oh my God, Robert de Niro’s a murderer. Look what he’s doing in Taxi Driver!” —Ashton Kutcher on why movie-kissing isn’t cheating [Metro UK]

“I always play sort of hideous or slightly physically unattractive characters. It looks like you’re not vain, but in actual fact I’m incredibly vain. And it always means that if people are used to seeing you look horrible or wearing awful clothes then, when you scrub up, people are nicely surprised.” —Steve Coogan [Scotsman via CCInsider]

“[T]his week has been ridiculous— Jimmy and I are friends! I said that this new guy [Alec Sulkiin] was super skinny and people reported that I called Jimmy fat — Jimmy’s perfect! I said that this new guy says sweet things and all of a sudden the news is that Jimmy never told me I was pretty! Give me a break! The gossip blogs are putting a strain on a real nice post-relationship relationship I have going with one Mr. Jimmy Kimmel, who loved me even when my thighs were at their biggest.” —Sarah Silverman [Us]

“I literally drank beer — Corona — and ate chicken wings for two weeks!” —Real Housewives’ Kelly Kiloren Bensimon on how she prepared for her Playboy shoot [Us]

“I warned them, ‘Don’t ever do that!’ But they are an item and they are having a great time.” —Michael Douglas on his Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps co-stars Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan [Sun UK via Contact Music]

Stay Away From Pool Parties at Bruce Willis’s House