Tonight’s premiere of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars introduces eleven new famous names, or at least vaguely familiar faces. The usual categories have been filled — an Olympic athlete! A former soap star! An older person to be patronized! — but whom to root for? Based on your own intrinsic qualities, the following guide will allow you to assign your loyalties before seeing a single paso doble.
Bio: 1969: Second man to walk on moon. 2010: Reality-show tangoist alongside Pamela Anderson. One very small step for mankind, indeed.
Who’ll root for him:
People who were alive in 1969, Tom Hanks, aliens.
Who’ll root against him:
Russian Cosmonauts, Neil Armstrong, ageists.
Bio: Pussycat Doll; former winner of Popstars; least-qualified judge on NBC’s Sing Off!
Who’ll root for her:
Men, teenage girls, hypothetical president of Pussycat Dolls fan club.
Who’ll root against her:
People who don’t like where music has gone since 1993, still bitter rejected a capella groups.
Bio: NFL wide receiver for Bengals; six-time Pro Bowler; formerly Chad Johnson.
Who’ll root for him:
Bengals fans, sports fans, people who enjoy learning numbers in foreign languages.
Who’ll root against him:
Ravens fans, anti-immigration activists who fear the insidious intrusion of the Spanish language, Phil Nuevequatro, Ethel Sietetres, etc.
Bio: ESPN reporter; former dance-team member for Florida Gators’ basketball team; unwitting star of stalker’s nudie video.
Who’ll root for her:
Sports fans, Bill Simmons, nostalgic Floridians.
Who’ll root against her:
Her stalker, but he’ll come around.
Bio: Gold-medal-winning figure skater who just beat out scary Russian rival Evgeni Plushenko; has very beautiful hair.
Who’ll root for him:
Jingoists, figure-skating fans, teenage girls, gay teenagers.
Who’ll root against him:
Plushenko, Johnny Weir, all non-astronaut Russians.
Bio: Former Playboy Playmate and Baywatch Babe; tabloid fixture; home-video star. Has both pole-dancing experience and Hepatitis C: double threat!
Who’ll root for her:
Teenage boys, grown men, lifeguards, Hugh Hefner, Borat.
Who’ll root against her:
Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, women.
Bio: Former star of Jon and Kate Plus 8; biweekly People magazine cover subject; divorcée; former owner of odd, asymmetrical haircut.
Who’ll root for her:
Four of her kids, people who like moms, people who like reality-TV stars, people who hate Jon.
Who’ll root against her:
Her other four kids, Jon, the women of America who copied her ludicrous haircut and are now angrily growing it out.
Bio: British; former star of All My Children; Daytime Emmy nominee; former Avon model; least famous face on DWTS.
Who’ll root for him:
The historically housebound, British people, Avon ladies.
Who’ll root against him:
Days of Our Lives fans, Scottish people, Clairol alumni, prime-time Emmy winners who feel his isn’t a “real” award.
Bio: Former Reno 911 co-star; host of Style Network’s Clean House; occasional guest on The Insider in charge of sassy commentary.
Who’ll root for her:
Comedy Central fans, fans of tidiness, fans of sass.
Who’ll root against her:
Messy people, opponents of alliteration, anyone who has ever seen The Insider.
Bio: Most recent star of The Bachelor; picker of least-popular bride in the history of the show; pilot.
Who’ll root for him:
Future bride Vienna, older women, frequent fliers.
Who’ll root against him:
Spurned Bachelorettes, Vienna’s exes, fans of shirts, people currently circling or sitting on the tarmac.
Bio: Alumna of Beverly Hills 90210, 90210, and Charmed; has a reputation as a diva, and for once-great bangs.
Who’ll root for her:
Women between the ages of 25–35; Jason Priestley.
Who’ll root against her:
Donna Martin, Kelly Taylor, Dylan McKay, girls who lost their virginity on prom night because of Brenda Walsh and have lived to regret it.
