dancing with the stars

Who to Root for on Dancing With the Stars?

Tonight’s premiere of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars introduces eleven new famous names, or at least vaguely familiar faces. The usual categories have been filled — an Olympic athlete! A former soap star! An older person to be patronized! — but whom to root for? Based on your own intrinsic qualities, the following guide will allow you to assign your loyalties before seeing a single paso doble.

Bio: 1969: Second man to walk on moon. 2010: Reality-show tangoist alongside Pamela Anderson. One very small step for mankind, indeed. Who’ll root for him: People who were alive in 1969, Tom Hanks, aliens. Who’ll root against him: Russian Cosmonauts, Neil Armstrong, ageists.
Bio: Pussycat Doll; former winner of Popstars; least-qualified judge on NBC’s Sing Off! Who’ll root for her: Men, teenage girls, hypothetical president of Pussycat Dolls fan club. Who’ll root against her: People who don’t like where music has gone since 1993, still bitter rejected a capella groups.
Bio: NFL wide receiver for Bengals; six-time Pro Bowler; formerly Chad Johnson. Who’ll root for him: Bengals fans, sports fans, people who enjoy learning numbers in foreign languages. Who’ll root against him: Ravens fans, anti-immigration activists who fear the insidious intrusion of the Spanish language, Phil Nuevequatro, Ethel Sietetres, etc.
Bio: ESPN reporter; former dance-team member for Florida Gators’ basketball team; unwitting star of stalker’s nudie video. Who’ll root for her: Sports fans, Bill Simmons, nostalgic Floridians. Who’ll root against her: Her stalker, but he’ll come around.
Bio: Gold-medal-winning figure skater who just beat out scary Russian rival Evgeni Plushenko; has very beautiful hair. Who’ll root for him: Jingoists, figure-skating fans, teenage girls, gay teenagers. Who’ll root against him: Plushenko, Johnny Weir, all non-astronaut Russians.
Bio: Former Playboy Playmate and Baywatch Babe; tabloid fixture; home-video star. Has both pole-dancing experience and Hepatitis C: double threat! Who’ll root for her: Teenage boys, grown men, lifeguards, Hugh Hefner, Borat. Who’ll root against her: Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, women.
Bio: Former star of Jon and Kate Plus 8; biweekly People magazine cover subject; divorcée; former owner of odd, asymmetrical haircut. Who’ll root for her: Four of her kids, people who like moms, people who like reality-TV stars, people who hate Jon. Who’ll root against her: Her other four kids, Jon, the women of America who copied her ludicrous haircut and are now angrily growing it out.
Bio: British; former star of All My Children; Daytime Emmy nominee; former Avon model; least famous face on DWTS. Who’ll root for him: The historically housebound, British people, Avon ladies. Who’ll root against him: Days of Our Lives fans, Scottish people, Clairol alumni, prime-time Emmy winners who feel his isn’t a “real” award.
Bio: Former Reno 911 co-star; host of Style Network’s Clean House; occasional guest on The Insider in charge of sassy commentary. Who’ll root for her: Comedy Central fans, fans of tidiness, fans of sass. Who’ll root against her: Messy people, opponents of alliteration, anyone who has ever seen The Insider.
Bio: Most recent star of The Bachelor; picker of least-popular bride in the history of the show; pilot. Who’ll root for him: Future bride Vienna, older women, frequent fliers. Who’ll root against him: Spurned Bachelorettes, Vienna’s exes, fans of shirts, people currently circling or sitting on the tarmac.
Bio: Alumna of Beverly Hills 90210, 90210, and Charmed; has a reputation as a diva, and for once-great bangs. Who’ll root for her: Women between the ages of 25–35; Jason Priestley. Who’ll root against her: Donna Martin, Kelly Taylor, Dylan McKay, girls who lost their virginity on prom night because of Brenda Walsh and have lived to regret it.
Who to Root for on Dancing With the Stars?