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Fug Girls: Live Blogging the Oscars Red Carpet

If the Golden Globes red carpet is a brunch special and the Grammys are happy hour at Hooters, then the Oscars is an all-you-can-eat buffet: It’s the most coveted invitation of all of them, and accordingly, celebs tend to bring their collective A game – or what they often misguidedly THINK is their A game. And so it’s time to get out a case of Diet Coke, pray to the little-known St. WTF-OMG – the patron saint of Celine Dion’s 1999 backwards Galliano suit – and then order a sandwich platter (in honor of the fact that we’re not at the Kodak Theater in a slinky gown and therefore are allowed to eat) and live-blog the E! telecast of the Academy Awards red-carpet spectacle.

6:00 p.m.: E! starts us out with an incredibly cheesy dance song, although we should probably be grateful we’re out of the era in which “Let’s Get It Started” would’ve been deployed. Ryan promises us lots of very famous people, and then delivers Sam Worthington from Avatar. He’s looking kind of shaggy, but otherwise, exactly as you might imagine Sam Worthington would look. His Aussie accent is heavier than we expected, to the point that sometimes we can’t quite make out what he’s saying – which is weird because we’re pretty good with these things. We love accents. Especially when we fake them on the phone with telemarketers.

6:04 p.m.: Zac Efron meets Worthington for the first time, and lavishes praise on him. They almost bro-hugged. Zefron has the carefully styled bed-head that is almost Seacrestian in its spiky, sloppy nature – indeed, he is out Seacresting Seacrest. It’s impossible to watch them talk without wishing they’d bow their heads and duel like two very burnished rhinos.

6:06 p.m.: Is Jay Manual wearing a carpet? Good lord. That jacket is an atrocity. Giuliana makes a comment about how very nice Ryan has been to her this week, and we assume that is a huge lie, because our favorite subplot of the E! shows is how much we are convinced they loathe each other to the core.

6:07p.m.: We get a look at Anna Kendrick’s torso, and she’s in flesh-tone/blush-tone – which Ryan struggles to define. He went with “a skin shade.” Close enough.

6:12 p.m.: Um. We had hit pause, and then one of us sat on the remote, so… the channel changed and we missed the Anna Kendrick dress and interview. You can imagine how much hand-waving and shouting there was. But when we came back, Mo’Nique was talking about things that we’re sure were terribly moving and important, wearing royal blue. In the background we saw Zoe Saldana in a very large purple ombre dress that, from a distance, had an air of Muppet about it. We need to see more. We ALWAYS need to see more, and E! always takes forever to give it to us.

6:16 p.m.: When we get back from the break, Ryan’s got Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon; Mimi looks lovely, but we her dress is slit up really REALLY REALLY REALLY high on the leg. She explains that she’s got a bodysuit on underneath, so as not to flash anyone her ladybits. Mariah, thank you for thinking of us. In the midst of her conversation with Ryan, she gets her bracelet caught on her dress and needed help from Nick to get re-organized. Honestly, we can’t believe those two are still married, if we’re being honest about it.

6:19 pm.: This is the part of the evening where E! pretends we care what Giuliana does when she’s not talking to celebrities. FAST-FORWARD.

6:20 p.m.: E! actually cuts away from Mickey Rooney to throw to commercial.

6:25 p.m.: Vera Farmiga is in a very elaborate red dress; we can’t wait to see it. Zoe Saldana is with Ryan; her hair and makeup is flawless. The gown top is glittery, the skirt – which starts around the rib cage – is lavender, and it goes down to a deeper purple near the hem with a lot of hoo-ha that evokes a Rose Parade float.

6:27 p.m.: Joel Madden is DJ’ing in the Kodak during commercials, so it will have a party atmosphere. Interesting idea. Nicole has a severe updo and a metallic dress, but E! isn’t focusing on it because Ryan Reynolds is there in a suit. Nicole does suggest that Ryan Seacrest perform her marriage to Joel, which would be kind of hilarious. We would only agree to it if he brought Simon.

6:28 p.m.: Vera Farmiga seems kind of spacey. She said she’s had a “rrreeeeeallly mellow” day so far, and it shows. We’re not surprised to hear that Vera’s dress is Marchesa, because of the elaborate swirl of accordion pleat detailing that is nicely rendered but which we need to sit with a bit longer before we understand our feelings. Vera admits to voting for Kathryn Bigelow and not her own director, Jason Reitman, and clearly wants to drop through the floor once she realizes that might be a faux-pas.

6:31p.m.: Ryan debuts some photos from the Gaga/Beyonce “Telephone” video. We are appropriately frightened.

6:34 p.m.: Ryan Reynolds looks unsurprisingly hot, but is sans ScarJo. Do they EVER go anywhere together? Are they even REALLY married? Could this all be a giant farce? Okay, fine: we just wanted to see what she would wear.

6:36 p.m.: We spy Tina Fey from afar. She looks…nice? We can’t totally tell. She does not appear to currently be wearing a lampshade. Also spotted: Sigourney Weaver, in red. Does she ever NOT look awesome?

6:38 p.m.: For one brief moment, we get a shot of Maggie Gyllenhall, over is a very awkward moment during which Seacrest kind of tries to play yenta between James Cameron and Ivan Reitman, neither of whom are really having it. Ryan then yaps to Cameron and Suzy Amis, who looks like she could use a sandwich and a nap. Hey, we’ve been there. We might actually be there RIGHT NOW. She’s probably tired of listening to his husband wax poetic about his ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, so much.

6:40 p.m.: Maggie Gyllenhaal is wearing what seems like a very pretty Dries dress – though it’s of questionable flattering-ness – and her usual slightly smug expression. She and Sarsgaard mention that they got to have breakfast together this morning, but are loathe to tell Ryan what they exchanged. Maybe “breakfast” is a code, and what they exchanged was “saliva.”

6:42 p.m.: It may not surprise you to hear that Tom Ford is wearing a very well-tailored suit. It may, however, surprise you to hear that Elizabeth Banks looks rather bland in a gray Versace frock that seems a bit tight. She also refers to the Scientific Oscars as, “the Nerd Oscars.” I hope the nerds don’t take that too personally.

6:43 p.m.: Elizabeth Banks hands Ryan over to Tom Ford by noting that Mr. Ford is, “SUPER FINE.” Mr. Ford is also speaking with what sounds like a vaguely English accent, a la Gywneth Paltrow.

6:45 p.m.: Three guesses who Tom Ford is wearing? First two don’t count.

6:47 p.m.: Sigourney Weaver is in a one-shoulder red gown. This woman loves the one-shoulder gowns. It’s Grecian, red, and has a black belt. She cops to seeing Avatar three times in 3-D. I love her. Wow, and even more: She’s learning to pole dance, “but I actually use a young man.” And it’s for DISNEY. Love.

6:49 p.m.: Lenny Kravitz is there with Zoe. She looks 100 percent different without her ratty hair in her face and OH MY GOD, Diane Kruger just popped on-screen and IT IS BAD YOU GUYS. Sandra Bullock is wrapped in something tight and gold.

6:50 p.m.: Tina Fey sashays up to Ryan, in – SURPRISE – black. It’s a glittery, one-shoulder, very pretty Michael Kors. Our minds are not blown but she looks great, which should put her in a good mood tomorrow.

6:55 p.m.: Gyllenhaal’s dress is a tad crooked along the bodice, so we’re still not committing to it. Bullock is very glittery and at least her hair is not half-up, half-down, but we worry she’s dressed AS an Oscar.

6:56p.m.: Amanda Seyfried – is her name really pronounced sci-fried, as Giuliana says? Interesting – is wearing a giant taupe confection that did nothing for her, really, and Carey Mulligan is in black that’s quite pretty and appears to fit. VICTORY. We get a longer look at Sandra Bullock, and I think the key to the dress is that it will probably look very striking under the lights when she is clutching an Oscar. Oh, shoot, Giuliana just said that two seconds after we did. Does that mean we are of one mind? Do we WANT that?

6:58 p.m.: KRUGER. It’s a Buf-Puff attached to a bed sheet attached to three furry black things at her neck, waist, and bum… it’s just not working, and it gets worse the more of it they show us. Seacrest dismisses her for Sandra Bullock, who is there with Jesse James and the actor who plays Michel Oher in the movie, and they’re standing in the background chatting while Sandy talks to Ryan. We find that so endearing. Sandra’s hair looks fantastic: smooth, healthy, shiny… For some reason we find it impossible to render an opinion on the dress, which is nightie-esque, but we may be leaning toward liking it on her.

7:01 p.m.: We got a split-second of Penelope Cruz and it was deep, blood red; aha, there she is. It’s Donna Karan and that color is amazing. We can’t wait to see the rest. Faith Hill, conversely, is in a really boring black blah blah blah lace zzz.

7:03 p.m.: Seyfried gets in with Seacrest. The bodice looks kind of like a shelf. The dress is Armani Prive. The architecture is interesting but the color is so plain that it’s hard to get excited about it.

7:04 p.m.: Tim McGraw shaved his beard for the Oscars, presumably to echo his hair choice in The Blind Side. He looks so strange to us without it – like a different person entirely. A dorkier one.

7:05 p.m.: MILEY RAY CYRUS, STAND UP STRAIGHT. She’s in a satin bustier dress and everyone in the room with us just groaned. E! helps us wash away the taste by showing Ryan talking to Jake Gyllenhaal. He is giving a message to Maggie about how much he loves her, but we are thrown by Antonio Banderas’ MIGHTY BEARD. We heard it’s for a role, but still – it’s like a skunk sat on his chin.

8:24 p.m.: Gabby Sidibe is chatting with Kathy Ireland, and only about 100% more comfortable on camera than Kathy is. Of course, so is everyone else at this event. As it is the Oscars. And on that note, we invite you to follow the live-blog of the ceremony itself!

7:14 p.m.: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SJP. She looks…not…good….at all. We don’t even have the words for it right now. Giuliana calls it, “SO Sarah Jessica Parker,” which might not wholly be complete. Her dress is Chanel Couture, and therefore the mad workings of our beloved Kaiser Karl Lagerfeld. And mad indeed it is.

7:16 p.m.: Helen Mirren floats behind SJP, looking as majestic and awesome from the neck up as we always imagine her to be. Also in the background, Clooney – sans beard, but plus slightly too long hair.

7:18 p.m.: Ryan chats up Kathryn Bigelow. Let’s be honest: she is super hot. And tall. And awesome. We’re pulling for her tonight.

7:20 p.m.: Rachel McAdams is so pretty, and we think we like her unusually patterned frock. Charlize, on the other hand….uh. She has rosettes on her boobs. Giant boob rosettes. It looks like her dress is copping a feel. Even Jay points out that no one will be looking at her face when she’s wearing that. And when you’ve got THAT face, why would you want to be directing attention away from it?

7:25 p.m.: Ryan’s got Matt Damon. They yap about rugby. That’s interesting and all, but we need to see other outfits, please. While they talk, the camera cuts to Clooney, who’s giving autographs to the peanut gallery. Would that we were in said peanut gallery.

7:27 p.m.: We adore Colin Firth, who is served up to Ryan next. We listen to him yap, as the camera cuts to J Lo, who does not appear to be wearing mink eyelashes this year. She and Clooney and Marc Anthony exchange many an air kiss. J Lo is in a white dress that we suspect is Marchesa, but is actually Armani Prive. We’ve now made that mistake twice – with her, and with Amanda Seyfried.

7:29 p.m.: Queen Latifah’s train was just trod on by Clooney, a moment that Ryan leaps on to grab Cloones. George tells Ryan that even he voted for Jeff Bridges. He, La, Adam Shankman and Ryan chit chat for quite awhile about the importance of making one’s acceptance speech “about something, dude.” Note: Queen Latifah looks great.

7:31 p.m.: Meryl arrives, resplendent and cleavage-y in white. She both brushes lint off Ryan and semi-embraces him. She admits that she is pulling for the “younger girls” in her category.

7:32 p.m.: We are dying to see Gabby Sidibe. She is so charming and adorable. Instead, we get J Lo, who boasts major train on a dress that is NOT white as earlier reported, but is actually pink. She NEVER looks boring, bless her. Marc Anthony agrees with Ryan that Jennifer just looks better every year, and we are inclined to agree.

7:37 p.m.: Keanu Reeves’ facial hair is tragic. We will accept beards, contrary to what it might sound like, but… not this patchy mess.

7:38 p.m.: Full marks to Kristen Stewart for gamely trying to smile. Seriously. It makes a world of difference. Meanwhile, the best person EVER, Gabby Sidibe, is with Ryan. She looks fantastic in a dark blue/purple gown with silver, and she both fist-bumped Keanu and then stopped to meet Woody Harrelson. She is having the best time ever and I love her so much. “GET IT. ALL OF THIS,” she commands them. “Let me tell you something about this dress. If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot, and you KNOW IT.” I don’t care if she planned that. We cherish her. Rumor has it Marchesa was dressing her, but then sources seemed to backtrack on that, so we have no idea. But whoever made this ought to step up and own it because Gabby looks glorious and happy and we want to hug her and then tell her to smack George Clooney on the bum for us.

7:41 p.m.: Clooney is wrangling his girlfriend’s train. What a delight. J.Lo is wearing Armani Prive, which means Armani scored both her and Seyfried, whose dress is kind of the junior version of J.Lo’s (and a different color). We wonder if J.Lo will punch her when she sees that they’re definitely Of A Theme.

7:43p.m.:E!, do NOT cut away from Robert Downey, Jr., to show us SJP’s canary nightmare. NOT FAIR. Apparently Ozzy Osbourne says he wants RDJ to play him in a movie; RDJ returns the favor. We’d watch both of those. The Internet tells us Penelope Cruz may not be trotting her Donna Karan down the red carpet, which seems unfair considering it a) looked potentially gorgeous, and b) she’s both nominated AND the current Supporting Actress holder. Her category is up first, so we’d suggest she was stressed about getting inside on time, except that we saw her arrive forty-five minutes ago.

7:48 p.m.: Ten dollars that Ryan asks Gerard about Jennifer Aniston. And…you all owe us ten bucks. Gerard waxes poetic about her many glorious qualities, then talks about mooning people. Stay classy, Butler. Next up: our beloved Jason Bateman, who has lost his beard from the Globes.

7:51 p.m.: Winslet is wearing a totally boring, very old skirt/top-esque number that we are not particularly feeling. It makes her look older than she actually is, and it’s not doing much for her figure.

7:54 p.m.: Whilst Ryan yaps to Jeff Bridges, E! recycles footage of some of the most horrifying outfits: SJP, Charlize, Miley, and then Winslet. After the march of tragedy, Ryan gets Cameron Diaz, who looks GREAT. Finally! For the first time EVER. Slow clap for her stylist – we assume she’s still working with Rachel Zoe, but whoever it was earned his or her keep tonight.

8:00 p.m.: E! is OVER. We’re switching over to ABC. The package they used to intro their red carpet coverage is full of hilariously dated footage. Like: Kevin Costner USING A DISPOSABLE CAMERA! Cuba Gooding, Jr! Sean Connery! Nicolas Cage, with original hair! Hugh Grant with Elizabeth Hurley! Tim Robbins with Susan Sarandon! The whole thing reeks of, “REMEMBER WHEN THIS HAPPENED? WE’RE TOO CHEAP FOR NEW B-ROLL.” It is awful.

8:01 p.m.: Sherri Shepherd is “at the limo dropoff,” which is code for, “stuck outside.” Next, Kathy Ireland, in a glittery metallic-and-black sheath and a messy updo, and also, who at ABC was like, “Let’s get Ireland! That woman is DYNAMITE.”

8:02 p.m.: Farmiga’s dress is actually more fuchsia than red, now that we see it here. Penelope Cruz IS doing this pre-show, so we take back everything we said before, except for the bit about her dress. The color is still fantastic. Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she’s thinking, “I have no idea where my nomination came from, but IT’S ABOUT TIME, ACADEMY.” Mo’Nique, who is here with the other four nominees, is acting like she’s already won – which, of course, she basically has.

8:03 p.m.: Kathy Ireland presents Jake Gyllenhaal like she’s selling him on QVC.

8:04 p.m.: Sherri Shepherd breaks the news with Clooney that his Up In The Air character has commitment issues JUST LIKE CLOONEY DOES. We can’t believe no one has covered this yet, other than the thousands of media that did.

8:05 p.m.: We’ve decided the reason we like Sandra Bullock’s dress is because it’s on HER, and we like her.

8:09 p.m.: The ABC show is mostly recycling people we’ve already seen, except with arguably worse interviews. Ooh, but aha: Helen MIrren and Captain Georg Von Trapp himself. Helen looks beautiful, as always; Plummer is being charming. We wish she’d done this interview in cream-and-green drapery, as a winky homage to The Sound of Music, before changing back into her Badgley Mischka. If you ask us there aren’t enough winky homages to The Sound of Music in life. Like, Plummer, where’s the Edelweiss in your lapel?

8:14 p.m.: While J.Lo twirls for Sherri Shepherd, a couple walks in behind her, does a double-take, and totally stops to watch with glee. Exactly what we would do. Now we’re stuck with more SJP, except she’s in HD this time, and… that is all we’re going to say.

8:16 p.m.: Cameron Diaz seriously really did nail it. That is all.

8:20 p.m.: We love the shot of the CPAs. They might be our favorite part of the show. ABC cuts to Steve Carrell and Tina Fey, who awkwardly plug their film. She looks good, though. So, there’s that?

8:23 p.m.: The dude on ABC asks Kate Winslet what it’s like to “just be there,” and she was like, “um, I’m presenting Best Actor?” You know, because she won Best Actress last year? Hello. It’s called research.

8:24 p.m.: Gabby Sidibe is chatting with Kathy Ireland, and only about 100% more comfortable on camera than Kathy is. Of course, so is everyone else at this event. As it is the Oscars. And on that note, we invite you to follow the live-blog of the ceremony itself!

Click here for a slideshow of Oscar’s red-carpet looks.

Click here for a slideshow of Oscar’s red-carpet looks.

Fug Girls: Live Blogging the Oscars Red Carpet