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Gossip Girl Originated That Innocent, Doe-eyed Stare

“Supposedly dead mom comes back after 19 years and wants to reconcile with the son she has barely met? … well I guess if you’re going for the day-time soap opera plot line, at least you’re dressed for it.”

Like an inappropriately accented diplomat’s daughter, fans of the Greatest Show of Our Time finally got their fix after enduring an excruciatingly long wait. The first dose may not have been the highest grade, but it brought back the rush (Serena’s rat-nest hair! A Vanessa-free episode! Jessica’s husband!), the disorientation (Was Blair’s clog diss a trend misstep or a stand on principle?) and, of course, the inevitable crash (No chair sex, no Dorota). There were questions on when exactly Serena turned over her new leaf and whether that new leaf is any less slutty than the original leaf, skepticism about Serenate’s definition of “slow” and “waiting,” and general concern for the eyesight and/or hearing of the coat-check attendant. But while we recover from Dan’s dead-on zinger and Little J’s new hobby, let’s give a moment of thanks: The bitch is back, and the recap recap is, too, brought to you this week by HookedonBass.

Realer Than Chuck Having a PI on Speed Dial
• Chuck to the man at the jewelry store about the cheap-looking half-locket: “This is all I have left of [my father].” This and several billion dollars. Plus 2. —delawhere16

• How would Chuck know about the “Bart” tattoo on his dad’s girlfriend’s ass? Minus 2. Unless that means he slept with her too, in which case, Plus 2. —whilhemina

• “Anna Karenina, you never read it don’t worry.” “I never do.” Plus 3 for character consistency. —southerncomfort

• Serena calls her first date with Nate the “best first date ever.” Your best first date ever involves nothing but sex in a coat room with a guy who is not actually your date? Wait, no, that makes perfect sense. Plus 1000. —backwards_walk

• Damien: “I have a puzzle that needs solving and I know how much you Humphreys like games.” Plus 20 for Damien, an ambassador’s son and international drug dealer being forced to sit through Apples to Apples, chili, and a room full of plaid-wearing Brooklynites. He probably quietly muttered “fml” but in German, or something. —kdow3

• Serena obviously wore her “demure dinner with foreign dignitaries” dress. Cleavage, back showing, slit so high everyone at my apartment screamed “OH MY GOD I SWEAR I SAW HER CROTCH!” It was floor length so that makes it appropriate, right guys? Plus 50. —iamreallyBLAIR

• At first it seems Jenny shows up at the Ambassador’s dinner just as Nate arrives, which would be a minus 5. But we know Jenny — she was peering around the corner of the building until he came into sight. That’s our girl. Plus 5. —emptycanofdietcoke

• Dan telling his dad “You can make your own damn waffles” is like me telling my dad “@#@#$ !@ ^%$#@$% #$!$@! You #$@$ #$@$#@ Piece of #@$#@ $#@$#@” Plus 30. —isgoodatmath

• Also, plus 4 for Blair and Dan, the most sex-starved characters on this show right now, giving out advice on sex. So true, it kind of hurts. —fonclbrisc

Plus 20 for when Blair tries to introduce herself to Monsieur Duris in her badly accented French and he insults her by replying in English. The ultimate insult for someone trying to pass themselves off as a continental. —longwayfrombrooklyn

• Lily is still trying to protect Jenny’s virtue by not letting her have boys in her room. Plus 10 because Lily’s looking at her as a “do over” child. She knows there is no hope for Serena’s virtue. —Annie_in_NY

• “I’m Charles Bass.” Aww, little Chuckles is all grown up, trying out his new and improved egotistical catchphrase. Plus 10,000. —signaturescarf

• That pharmaceutically enhanced bolero could double as a rainstick. Plus 1. —Styleinspades

• I love it that when Blair shows up at Chuck’s to attend the embassy thing, she says “Why aren’t you dressed?!” when in fact, Chuck is wearing a black, 3-piece, bedazzled suit. I guess that’s his casual wear? —IamBlairWaldorf_BlairWaldorfisme

Faker Than Elizabeth Fisher’s Last Name (Was “Trout” Taken?)
Minus 10 for Chuck being annoyed that Blair read his PI file on Elizabeth Fisher. Yes, the super-secret file you left sitting out on the coffee table for anyone in the world to see. He’s just lucky that Nate and Serena didn’t have sex on it. —NurseLuvBass

Minus 5 for the drug bust setup with no payoff. When the coat check girl crunches one of the Quaaludes off a pill-suffused bolero with her stiletto, soap opera etiquette dictates that SOMEONE has to find it. —vanlan

Minus 10 for Jenny not immediately realizing Damian is a d-bag. He has d-bag hair, things couldn’t be more obvious. For another example of d-bag hair see Scott Disick. —chiyork

• Does this new friend of Rufus not have a life? Seriously, Rufus can just show up whenever he wants and she’s down to talk? You’d think she’d at least be a member of the Junior League or something. Minus 3. —jnp1013

• I always assumed that the actual Mother Chucker would be an awesome creature with unparalleled fashion sense, raw sex appeal and a natural ability to charm her way out of anything. And we get that??? The woman can’t even decide if she has a British accent. Apparently the awesomeness that is Chuck Bass was actually birthed by wolves. Minus 100. —stiletto33

Minus 10 for Blair saying the girls surrounding the secret society man had “impeccable taste.” B, come on, you know they all looked like Tiger’s leftovers. —cundela

• Why is Dan in the coffee shop EVERY DAY? As a grad student, I carry my own coffee to campus. His latte budget must be higher than my rent. Minus 10. —ras4q

Minus 10 for Lily “just kissing” Dr vdW. Hussy, please. It’s a Lily tradition to screw her ex before a new marriage. See: Rufus on the eve of her wedding to Bart. —CallMe

Minus 5 for Chuck’s Mom having the same phone as me. I’m poor- what’s her excuse? —Fruitfly

• Serena left with someone else’s coat, and all the girl said was, “that girl has my coat!”, and made zero attempt to retrieve it. No. That’s the kind of occurrence that ruins your entire night in NYC, especially in the winter. YOU GO AFTER THAT COAT. Minus 20. —missmolly

Minus 5 for Blair leaving Chuck’s apartment in her Anna Karenina outfit. She would obviously have a different outfit for entering the hotel, staying in the hotel, having sex in the hotel and then leaving the hotel. —like_shootin_fish_in_a_barrel

• No Georgina? Georgina was PUT ON THIS PLANET for episodes like this. We know Georgie is familiar with the international elite. She went to boarding school in Switzerland, her dad has a private jet, so the odds are that she has at least a little history with Damien. Georgie could have helped mastermind Jenny & Damien’s State Dinner Drug Deal, and then could have fought over Damien in a love square, with Jenny and the French ambassador’s daughter. Plus at this type of event, it would be priceless to hear Georgie lash out in a multilingual tirade. Minus 5 for none of this happening. —Blair215

• You can’t just mention Dorota, that’s like a cock-tease. Minus 10. —michimarie

Finally, we apologize for the delay in bringing you the winner of the caption contest, but it’s JHILUVU, whose winning entry can be seen above. Contact us at intel[at] to receive your prize! And if any of you are interested in compiling the recap of the recap, shoot an e-mail to alexandra.martell[at], subject line “Make your own damn waffles.”

Gossip Girl Originated That Innocent, Doe-eyed Stare