The London bookmakers have set the odds for Sunday’s Oscars! What can we learn from the pros? The Hurt Locker is paying less than even money for Best Picture. Some books have Christoph Waltz at 1–40 odds — not 40–1, 1–40 — for Supporting Actor. And for the truly degenerate gambler, you can make some serious money betting Fantastic Mr. Fox at 23–1 odds for Best Original Score.
But all Oscar odds have one thing in common: They only tell you who’s gonna win. But what about the parts of the Oscars we really care about, like the speeches, the tuxes, the grudges, and the inexplicable gaffes? That’s where Vulture’s Oscar Odds come in. Click the image to get the betting lines for ninjas, burritos, and rabbis getting involved.
Stanley Tucci and Matt Damon: 8-1 that they exchange hearty chuckles over the fact that each received an Oscar nomination for his second-best performance of the year and, like, 12th best in his career.
Christoph Waltz: 6-1 that his multilingual acceptance speech causes the ABC closed-captioner to blow a gasket.
Christopher Plummer: 4-1 that, asked how it feels to have his first-ever Oscar nomination at age 80, he indignantly answers, “I’m quite proud of my 1976 Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries for Arthur Hailey’s The Moneychangers, thank you very much.”
Woody Harrelson: EVEN MONEY that he smokes a bowl.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: 25-1 that she propositions Billy Bush on the red carpet, slyly noting, “I played a journalist. I know how it works.”
Vera Farmiga: 15-1 that she carries a burrito down the red carpet, pronouncing, “It was delicious when George Clooney burritoed me on the couch… but not as delicious as a Carnitas Fajita Burrito from Chipotle!”
Anna Kendrick: 6-1 that, hanging out with her Oscar-movie friends, she pretends not to know her Twilight castmates as they talk about their OMG SO CHILDISH wolves and vampires and whatnot.
Mo’Nique: 5-2 that she gives a fantastic speech, and then – taking advantage of her open marriage – openly makes out with Oscar backstage.
Penelope Cruz: 1-6 that she inadvertently reveals that she’s not yet managed to make it all the way through Nine.
Jeremy Renner: 20-1 that he clambers onstage in The Suit, carefully removes Oscar’s head, and detonates the statuette in a controlled explosion.
Morgan Freeman: 14-1 that, asked about rugby, he admits he still doesn’t like it, then adds, thoughtfully, “You know what I’d like to play? Quidditch. Millions of dollars in the bank, and I still can’t play Quidditch.” Then he weeps a single tear.
Colin Firth: 8-1 that the following conversation occurs on the red carpet:
“Colin, who are you wearing?”
“Uh, it’s an Armani tux.”
“Not Tom Ford?”
[Pained smile.]
Jeff Bridges: EVEN MONEY that he slips a reference to Hyundais into his acceptance speech, because that’s the kind of old pro he is.
George Clooney: 1-3 that he forgets his date’s name, but in an utterly charming manner.
Sandra Bullock: 11-2 that she uses her Oscar speech to beg the real Michael Oher to join her hometown Redskins, now that Chris Samuels is retiring.
Helen Mirren: 6-1 that the sexy sexagenarian just chucks decorum to the wind and goes topless.
Carey Mulligan: 3-2 that, exhausted after a year of non-stop Oscar campaigning for An Education, she finally cracks and shouts, “The Oscars are a sham!” Then she is tackled by Academy ninjas.
Gabourey Sidibe: 1-3 that at some point during the pre-show festivities, you notice how weird it is that red-carpet-walking Sidibe is now living Precious’s hopeless fantasy life.
Meryl Streep: 1-5 that she laughs off her loss with a practiced ease that breaks your heart.
Quentin Tarantino: 12-1 that, in his speech, he excitedly name-drops Enzo Castellari, Georg Wilhelm Pabst, David Bowie, ‘70s exploitation cinema, the French new wave, Diane Kruger’s feet, and The Dirty Dozen, but not World War II or the Holocaust.
Lee Daniels: 8-1 that he looks on in horror as presenter Tyler Perry reveals that his producer’s deal allows him to authorize a sequel, Precious 2: Road Trip With Madea.
Jason Reitman: 6-1 that he gives a heartfelt speech about unemployed Americans, and then his forgotten co-screenwriter mentions that now he’s unemployed.
Kathryn Bigelow: 4-3 that she does advance research on every prospective interviewer so she can be like, “No, let’s talk about your ex-husband, how about that?”
James Cameron: 1-20 that he’s got a box of AVATAR BEST PICTURE 2010 shirts under his seat that will end up clothing the same impoverished third-worlders currently wearing PATRIOTS 19-0 hats.
“The Oscars are the world’s best-dressed reality competition show,” producer Adam Shankman has said. How will that be reflected in the ceremony?
9-1 In a touching Rose Ceremony, the Academy asks The Hurt Locker to be its Best Picture – only to dump the drama three weeks later because Academy members are “just not ready to settle down yet, you know?”
7-1 Randy Jackson is brought onstage to tell Michael Haneke that The White Ribbon was “a little pitchy, dawg.”
5-1 Iron Chef Matsumoto tells the five supporting actress nominees to perform a scene with only thirty minutes to prepare. The secret ingredient is pathos.
3-1 In an homage to The Biggest Loser, the actresses who have shed the highest percentage of their body weight are given actual awards instead of just being praised in private.
1-2 America votes on the awards via toll-free 877 numbers and gives Avatar 23 Oscars, including Best Director, Best Foreign Language Film, and Best Documentary Short. In an upset, though, Best Picture goes to Ow! My Balls!
1-5 So You Think You Can Art-Direct!
14-1 A gigantic piece of lighting equipment falls on top of presenter Charlize Theron, but gym-toned Adam Shankman lifts it off her with his bare hands.
12-1 Two gangs of rabbis mix it up outside the Kodak Theater, arguing about which movie rabbis like better, A Serious Man or Inglourious Basterds.
2-1 Late in the show, with inspiration flagging, co-hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin appear as their most-loved SNL characters, Yortuk Festrunk and Doug Schweddy.
EVEN MONEY A horny Teleprompter operator causes presenter Tyler Lautner to strip off his shirt, giving the Oscars their best ratings in 23 years.
1-3 If the writing team behind In the Loop wins, the telecast switches to a three-minute delay as Standards & Practices determines the appropriate bleepage for the sentence “Ram this Oscar up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock.”
With ten movies nominated for Best Picture, you surely don’t remember them all. Which movie’s appearance on the Best Picture roster will make you say, “That was nominated? Hunh.”
The Blind Side: 9-1
An Education: 4-1
A Serious Man: 7-2
District 9: 3-1
17 Again: 3-2 Psyche! But for just a minute, your heart leapt, right?
