Joan Rivers, who’s the subject of a documentary premiering at Tribeca, Joan Rivers — A Piece of Work, knew exactly what she didn’t want the film to be. “For my documentary, we didn’t want to go in the direction of self-serving, and we didn’t want to go in the direction of some of them that show nothing about the person. We also didn’t want an ass-kissing hour and a half — who wants to see that? I’m an interviewer also, so I hate when people say, ‘You can talk to me, but not about my marriage, or my sex life, or this or that.’ When I let the filmmakers in, I let them in,” she told us by phone. Now an expert in the medium, Rivers has been inspired to come up with other ideas for documentaries that she’d like to direct, star in, and produce. Below, ten of her topics in her own words; it’s fair to say that she won’t have to fight Ken Burns over any of them.
Survivor: Brazilian Wax (Inside the Cellulite Closet)
A documentary showing what people really do to look good, trailing some of these poor women when they get these Restylane shots. Let’s see how much it hurts! See the pain!
Kitty Kelly: My Life in the Witness Protection Program
Poor Kitty Kelly! Someone says, “No, don’t do a biography,” and everyone just closes ranks. I’d like to do a documentary about her life.
Sexy Eskimos: Nanookie of the North
A documentary about the sex lives of Eskimos — all they do is rub noses, and I don’t get that. And they give their wives out! That’s fascinating.
Harleys, Hookers, and Hitler
A documentary about the life of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, narrated by none other than Mel Gibson.
William Morris: The Shortest Guys in the Room
A documentary about Hollywood agents.
Faking Funny for $40 million
A documentary about Conan O’Brien’s career.
I’m a Celebrity … Get Me a Discount
A documentary about the phenomenon of how you’re on top, everyone wants to give you things for free, but when you need them, nobody wants to give them to you. We’d follow a celebrity walking into a store a year after they’re hot and then hearing, “Not for you anymore!”
That Fucking Ash-hole
A documentary about the Icelandic volcano eruption.
A documentary that goes inside Scientology. Now, that’s a group for you.
A documentary about a fat black girl who sells Joan Rivers’s jewelry on QVC.