This week, in episode six of a run that already feels about three years long, here are the top five things that we learned:
1. Morris Chesnut’s fiancée needs phosphorous in order to carry her demon half-lizard baby to term.
2. Phosphorous is available in convenient phosphorous-dispensing kiosks aboard the V mother ship.
3. While trying to board the V mother ship, if at first your fake visa doesn’t read on the visa-scanning machine, try, try again.
4. Hobbs is apparently some kind of double agent.
5. If you are creating a show about a group of militant rebels, don’t name one of them “Georgie.” Because then you force your characters to say lines like “I’m worried about Georgie” and “We’ve get to get up there to save Georgie.” These lines would sound better if his name were Rex, or Cliff, or Thunder.
In the latest installment of Lady Cop Versus the Lizard People, Lady Cop and her ragtag army, now five strong, concoct a plot to board the V ship and transmit a message to the Fifth Column, who are currently living undercover on earth. This plot basically consists of: “We need to get aboard that ship.” “No, it’s too dangerous. Okay, I’ll go.”
Morris Chestnut volunteers for this suicide mission because he needs to get that precious phosphorous, all the better to help his fiancée give birth to a freakish abomination that will destroy their relationship forever. We’re starting to wonder if we’re really supposed to be rooting for Morris Chestnut.
Meanwhile, Anna’s second-in-command, Mr. Wooden, holds a press conference to announce the Live Aboard program, which sounds like something baked up for drunken undergrads during a year abroad. Attending the press conference are a bunch of media types holding cameras, and Father Jack and Booger, who are apparently free to move around with impunity. In fact, one of the many frustrations of this show is that there’s no internal consistency nor logic to this world: The Vs stock every peace-ambassador jacket with a little camera, yet don’t have the in-ship surveillance capability to figure out that their chief medical officer is a traitor? How about taking some of those cameras out of the lapels of the suit jackets and putting them into, say, the interrogation suite?
Meanwhile, Lady Cop is worried about her son — worrying about her son is like oxygen to her — so she takes him out to dump him off on her handsome ex-husband, who apparently lives in the woods. Tyler’s safe! But then the hot V girl shows up. Oh no. Beware hot girls!
One of the other frustrations of this show is that it relies on soap-opera quality trickery to generate false tension, such as having Tyler’s dad say to Lady Cop, “Isn’t it time we told him the truth about who he really is?” then cutting to a new scene. Who ever says that to anyone, except someone on Ryan’s Hope?
Another frustration — dialogue like this:
Hobbs: “A priest, a civvie, a lizard, and a fed. If this is a joke, I’m not laughing.”
Lady Cop: “You bark, Hobbs. Do you bite, too?”
Hobbs: “Is that a request?”
Also: Father Jack attempts to enlist Chad Decker in a campaign to expose the V’s healing centers, which promises many more scenes between the show’s two most boring characters, Father Jack and Chad Decker.
We are curious: Are you enjoying this show more than we are? Because we try to approach each new episode with a fresh attitude and an open heart, yet every week, about ten minutes in, we find the Emperor Palpatine sitting on our shoulder whispering, “The hate is swelling in you now.”
How about you?
While we were cuddling with Emperor Palpatine, EW’s Darren Franich notes the presence of a suicide bomber in the show’s opening: “A suicide bomber? Look out, viewers, it’s a topicality grenade!”
At TV Guide, Scott Tomasso recounts probably the lamest moment of false tension in an episode filled with lame false tension: “Ryan gets to the front of the checkpoint and barely gets through. I think the next time my Visa card doesn’t work I’ll just have them run it again; it’s probably a glitch.” Seriously, THIS MOMENT WAS SO LAME.
At TV Squad, Jane Boursaw is keeping the faith, especially about Tyler’s new secret: “Is he supposed to be some sort of warrior à la John Connor, who’ll lead the resistance against the aliens? I have no idea, but can’t wait to find out.”