Until this week, Robin Hood was a legend in crisis, prancing around Sherwood Forest to Bryan Adams songs in a century’s worth of silly, superficial movies. Like Russell Crowe said at Cannes yesterday, “There wasn’t a [previous] Robin Hood which gave me a satisfactory feeling that I knew his motivation or backstory.” Thank goodness, then, for his and Ridley Scott’s new version — a gritty, humorless, Batman Begins–style reboot, made in the mold of their Gladiator, that dispenses with all of the unnecessary fun of earlier Robin Hood films and gives the character a new, completely made-up backstory (spoiler: He fights to avenge the deaths of both his father and adoptive father-in-law). So now that they’ve successfully rehabilitated one done-to-death movie hero, which other ones should they do next?
Why was Smith so willing to betray his own people in Disney’s Pocahontas and James Cameron’s Avatar? Wouldn’t you know it — back home in England some king once murdered his family.
Crowe plays Nicholas, a humble toy-maker whose family gets killed by the King of the North Pole (it used to have one, shut up). He recruits a dwarf army and vows revenge. At movie’s end, he climbs down the king’s chimney and chops off his head.
In Ridley Scott’s Superman, Superman (Crowe) returns to Metropolis after searching outer space for the destroyed remains of his home planet and his dead parents, only to find Lois Lane with a son and engaged to be married. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor steals Kryptonian crystals from the Fortress of Solitude and uses them to try to grow a continental landmass in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean that would destroy the United States. This is the exact same plot as Bryan Singer’s kinda lame 2005 reboot Superman Returns, except at the end of Scott’s version, Superman kills Luthor with a sword.
As we type this, there are two other Dracula
reboots in the works, so Scott and Crowe’s version would need to distinguish itself by giving our vampire antihero a grittier, more tragic backstory than the others. So how about this: Dracula is immortal, right? What if, after the King of Transylvania murdered his family, Dracula raised another family only to have it
murdered by that king’s successor?
Ever wonder why Judas was such a dick in Passion of the Christ, Jesus Christ Superstar, and the Bible? What if Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott told you that it was Judas’s brother who sold Mary Magdalene into prostitution, and Jesus crucified him?